My Life Would Suck Without You
by cajunqueen714
Summary: Amy and Bumper regularly get into all sorts of sexy time mischief, ranging from the downright funny to the painfully awkward. But what happens when things go horribly wrong?
1. Chapter 1

_**A/N:**_ This is my contribution to Smut Sunday. Ok, so it's not exactly Jeca, BUT I don't think it will disappoint. If all goes well and this story is well received, I'll continue on with it for a few more chapters as I have tons of ideas. This chapter only touches on a few of them.

_**Raven12:**_A special THANK YOU to you for throwing down this Smut Challenge. I've been sitting on this story for a while now and without the challenge this story might never have gotten published. I hope it was worth the wait and that you like it.

_**waatp: **_A very, very special THANK YOU to you for bouncing ideas around with me. Your suggestions have made this story what it is and I couldn't be happier with the end result. You are amazing!

**WARNING: This story will cause extreme fits of laughter...at least I hope it will. I laughed almost constantly while writing it. Please be sure to use the restroom prior to reading as I cannot be held responsible for pee stained clothes, blankets or furniture. HAPPY READING!**

* * *

Bumper and Amy were always considered the "wild ones" in their circle of friends. Someway, somehow they even managed to do things that made Stacie blush and that wasn't the easiest thing to do, considering Stacie's "hunter" was always on the prowl for its next victim. Everyone knew that absolutely nothing was off limits with her. And apparently nothing was off limits with Bumper and Amy either.

Everyone knew everything they did; every wild position and toy they tried, whether they wanted to know or not. They called their exploits the "bumpin' uglies" which thoroughly grossed Beca out to the point of her wishing she could scrub the visions out of her brain with bleach and a brillo pad, but Bumper and Amy didn't care. They actually thought it was funny and continued to share everything, detail for detail; the good, the bad, the ugly...EVERYTHING!

One evening Bumper sat around waiting for Amy to get home from work. Upon her arrival they were going to begin their long awaited anniversary celebration. They had been together for six years and after a short stint in Los Angeles, Bumper traded in his aviators, collarless leather jacket and earring to move back to Georgia. He desperately missed Amy and decided that LA could wait while she finished out her years at Barden. They agreed that after graduation, they would move to LA and get a place together; this was that place; their safe haven, their home, their love nest, or as Beca called it; the House of Horrors.

When Bumper called Amy to find out when she would be home, he wasn't crazy to hear that she was planning to make a stop on her way home from her job as a Production Assistant for The Food Network. He was ready to "get this party started" and even tried singing "Bow Chicka Wow Wow" to her over the phone and while it elicited a much deserved belly laugh, she insisted that she had a surprise for him, and that she would be home as soon as she could. Thinking he knew Amy and taking into account that he was hungry, he thought she was going to get pizza and chocolate cake, so while she ran her errand, he started setting the mood by dimming the lights, lighting candles and playing soft music.

When Amy arrived home, she walked in to the perfect scene. As soon as she opened the door Bumper keyed up the music and the Bee Gee's "How Deep Is Your Love" started playing from their "special Pandora love mix channel". And, of course, being his silly self, he started dancing and gyrating around the living room, only stopping at the bar to pour her a glass of her favorite Moscato. She smiled as she looked around, appreciating all he had done and knowing her pound cake made sure everything was just right. What he didn't know was that she had a trick or two up her sleeve to contribute to their evening. After greeting her warmly with a kiss, he handed her a glass of wine. Amy took the glass but gave him "the look".

"I promise, it's not Boone's Farm." he said then took her by her empty hand, pulled her close and began dancing around the living room again.

When Otis Redding's "These Arms of Mine" started playing, Bumper put their wine glasses on the coffee table, pulled Amy in close and continued to dance with her, snaking a hand around her back and linking their fingers. He loved holding her close. Sure he'd been an ass when they first met, but he finally allowed himself to really get to know her and, without any warning, he fell madly, deeply in love with her. She was pretty special when you got used to her. She cured him of his philandering ways and even managed to tame his crazy side, if only a little bit.

"Bump..." she said completely enjoying the kisses he was planting along her chin and neck.

"Mmmm..." he hummed against her skin.

"I'm gonna have to excuse myself to freshen up the downtown."

He looked at her and pouted. "Nooo!"

"I promised you a surprise. I have to go and get it sweetie." she said gently kissing his lips.

"Ok, but only if you promise to hurry."

"I promise. I'll be right back."

Amy hurried off to their bedroom, closing and locking the door behind her. No way was Bumper going to sneak a peek before she was ready. She quickly fixed her hair into one of her signature poofy ponytails, placed tight at the base of her neck. Using bobby pins, she secured a little hat to her head then changed into fishnet stockings and the sexy blue outfit she purchased on her way home. Admiring herself in the mirror and making a few minor adjustments, she slipped on a pair of stiletto's, took one more look at herself in the full length mirror and grabbed her phone. She quickly selected the song and waited for Britney Spears to start singing before she walked back out to the living room.

Bumper looked up to see Amy dressed in a sexy flight attendant uniform like the one Britney Spears wore in the "Toxic" music video. He wondered how many times she had watched the video because she had the dance moves down pat.

_"Baby, can't you see_  
_I'm calling_  
_A guy like you_  
_Should wear a warning_  
_It's dangerous_  
_I'm fallin'"_

Amy danced her way across the room and started dancing right in front of Bumper. He reached up and placed his hands on her hips as she continued to gyrate. She was singing the words to the song, word for word. He loved her attention to detail and this little bit of role play.

_"There's no escape_  
_I can't wait_  
_I need a hit_  
_Baby, give me it_  
_You're dangerous_  
_I'm lovin' it_

_Too high_  
_Can't come down_  
_Losing my head_  
_Spinning 'round and 'round_  
_Do you feel me now"_

Amy pushed Bumper down onto the couch then straddled his lap and began to slowly unbutton his dress shirt. When he tried to remove what she was wearing, she scolded him gently and told him that if he continued she would be forced to punish him.

"Well, you're gonna have to punish me then," he said, "because I'm not gonna stop." Amy continued singing.

_"With a taste of your lips_  
_I'm on a ride_  
_You're toxic I'm slipping under_  
_With a taste of a poison paradise_  
_I'm addicted to you_  
_Don't you know that you're toxic_  
_And I love what you do_  
_Don't you know that you're toxic"_

The truth was that she had no intention of punishing him but she had purchased something she intended to use that night. She got off his lap and sauntered sexily across the room. She took something out of a box and when she turned back around, Bumper was standing in the middle of the room, wearing only a pair of bright red elephant speedos as well as the spiked leather dog collar and wristlets she bought him for his birthday. She giggled at the sight. This was the man of her dreams, and even through all the silliness, he made her heart race standing in front of her wearing nothing but a silly elephant speedo and a smile.

Pointing his phone toward the sound system, he changed the song again. This time Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get It On" started to belt out through the speakers. Amy put the item between her teeth and started walking back toward Bumper. When he realized what she purchased he got excited, so excited in fact that the elephant's trunk on his speedo was now happily standing at attention. Amy's eyes got big.

"Impressive...huh?"

"Ummm...ahhhh..."

Amy backed him up until he was sitting on the couch. When she kneeled down in front of him and removed the speedo, it was obvious that Bumper liked this...a lot! The coolness of the ring on his warm skin startled him as she started placing the penis ring around his cock and balls.

"Now what?" he asked.

She winked at Bumper and said, "Just 'cause we graduated a few years ago, doesn't mean we can't still get off performing our oral magic."

She flicked her tongue out, eliciting a loud moan from Bumper as the tip of him disappeared inside her mouth. She inhaled deeply, pulling on him hard and his eyes began to roll into the back of his head. After several minutes, Bumper tried pulling her up toward him; he wanted to kiss her badly. "No mouth to mouth." she pointed her finger and scolded him. "I'm gonna blow yer pitch pipe ... with teeth." She said before taking his length into her mouth again, scraping her teeth gently along his shaft.

He put his hands on the back of her head and guided her slowly until he was buried deep inside her throat. He loved the few times he got to see her in her official Bella's flight attendant uniform and now here she was kneeling in front of him in the sexiest flight attendant uniform he had seen her in. Even though they were in their living room, he wondered if this meant that he was an official member of the mile high club.

She hummed along with Boys II Men "I'll Make Love To You" sending Bumper into an orbit that he never knew existed. He wasn't sure if it was the ring, the humming or a combination of the two but whatever it was it was amazing and he didn't want her to stop but he also didn't want that to be all that happened that night. As he hit his climax, he yelled, "Amy, kick me in the balls!" as he released his seed into her mouth with a loud, "Oomph!"

Amy pulled on his head one last time as he rode out his high before she jumped up, one hand over her mouth and one searching for something, anything. Her eyes landed on a water glass and she brought it to her mouth, expelling the contents into the glass. Setting the glass down and wiping her mouth with the back of her hand, she said, "Sorry babe, I had to pump and dump… I've reached my protein limit for the day! This girl doesn't swallow!"

Bumper laughed and pulled Amy into his lap, taking control of her mouth with his own. He was eager to find out what the rest of the evening held for them and that included getting that flight attendant outfit off of her. Things escalated unbelievably fast and they stumbled to the bedroom, teeth nipping at lips and tongues rolling around in each others mouths as they burst through the bedroom door. While Bumper hadn't succeeded in getting Amy out of her flight attendant uniform yet, he had managed, with the aid of his new penis ring, to maintain his erection at lot longer than he normally would.

"Whatcha say we get you out of that get-up?" Bumper said wagging his eyebrows at her. With that her mock airline clothes became flight objects and the party was officially in full swing. Their wrought iron bed was in for a treat and the work out of a lifetime. "I'm gonna pound that junk in your trunk." Bumper told her as her smacked her ass. "Hop up there and prepare for one hell of a ride!"

"What if I wanted to take a ride on you pogo stick?"

"Look at Mr. Happy… he's been standing at attention for a while." Bumper winked. "I think it's safe to say that we'll be taking more than one ride on the happy train tonight."

When they climbed into bed Bumper told Amy to get on all fours as he wrapped a hand around his erection and lined himself up. Amy took hold of the wrought iron rails with both hands and hissed through her teeth as he thrust himself deeply inside her. She loved it when he took control but Bumper was getting carried away and not looking at what he was doing as his overzealous thrusts and pounding into Amy had caused her head to slip through the rails. In truth, Amy was having too good a time to notice either so they didn't stop or pause the festivities a minute as they continued at it like a couple of drunken monkeys as Amy yelled, "ride like the wind Bullseye!" When they were both pretty well spent, Amy tried to pull her head back through the rails so she could lie down, but very quickly realized she was stuck like Chuck.

"Bump... babe, I'm stuck." she said poking Bumper, who had already rolled off and gone to sleep.

"Huh?"

"I'm stuck you egotistical, big headed, garbage dirtball."

"Stuck where?" he said rolling over again. Snoring and farting soon ensued.

"IN. THE. BED." Amy squawked covering her nose. "By the way, keep the gaseous fumes clouding your anus to yourself!"

"Shut up. Quit being lazy."

Now Amy was pissed, She reached over and with each word she spoke she poked him in the eye...hard. "I. Am. Not. Being. Lazy. I. Am. Stuck. Now get up!"

"Alright. Alright." He said wiping his eyes then looking at Amy. "Oh shit! You really are stuck."

"Get up and help me you ass!"

Bumper got out of bed and promptly grabbed Amy's ankles and yanked, sending her face first into the bed frame. The flying obscenities could be heard for miles. Bumper continued to pull, tug and yank Amy's ankles until she promised to yank his junk off and feed it to him if he continued. He tried everything from warming lubricant to cooking oil to get her out of the headboard but nothing was working. The last resort was to call the fire department. Covering Amy with the bed sheets, Bumper made the call and explained what happened, leaving out the sexy details, and asked that the "jaws of life" be brought to his home to save his very pissed off girlfriend.

When the fire department arrived they got an earful from a very angry Australian. She heard Bumper speaking to them and started screaming "Fire! Fire!". She became pissed beyond anything Bumper had ever seen before when they had to cover her head to protect her from the flying metal. As soon as she was freed from her iron prison aka their bed, she streaked across the room full of hot firemen to use the restroom, remarking to herself how familiar one of them seemed.

* * *

A few hours later, Bumper woke up to his cock throbbing uncontrollably. At first, he thought Amy was giving him the most amazing wake up call ever, in possible thanks for bringing half of the fire department into their bedroom for her to see but seconds later he realized that wasn't the case at all. When he reached down for what he thought was Amy's head he realized he was actually touching his extremely swollen and very numb member. Unfortunately, Bumper and Amy didn't read the instructions before deciding to try this something new.

"AMY!" he screamed sitting up.

"Mmm...Bump, it's too early. I don't wanna to play yet."

"AMY WAKE UP!" Amy started to move about but Bumper was stock still. He was shocked and he needed Amy to wake up. "Ames! I need you to to wake up...NOW!" Thinking that Bumper was joking, Amy rolled over and snuggled into her pillow. "AMY WAKE THE FUCK UP!" Bumper screamed.

"What the fuck Bump!" she said rubbing her eyes, "I'm sitting up."

"Look at this!" he said gesturing to his very swollen junk.

"Well, well, well... look who's in treble."

"Not funny Amy!"

"Well, what the hell happened to it?"

"I don't know!" he squeaked. "But this ring won't come off."

"We need to get that ring off." She said looking through the drawer of the bedside table.

"What are you doing?"

Amy produced a tube of lubricant and proceeded to squirt a generous size blob onto her hands.

"Be careful." Bumper whimpered.

"Mate, I've wrestled your crocodile and dingoes simultaneously, I can handle getting your cock ring off." she said as she slathered the lubricant on the subject at hand. After pulling and tugging and massaging for a few moments but nothing was happening.

"Oh. My. God." Bumper screamed batting Amy's hand away from his crotch. "Little Bumper and the twins are suffering...horribly!" he said gingerly grabbing his manhood, trying not to cry.

"I'll be right back." Amy said as she got out of bed and walked into the bathroom. Bumper could hear her digging around.

"What are you looking for?"

"Here, try this." she said tossing him a bottle of liquid hand soap.

Bumper slathered the soap on his hands in an effort to remove the cock ring. When that didn't work, Amy went to the kitchen and came back with a bottle of cooking oil and a stick of butter. Again no luck...just a huge slippery mess.

"We need to get you to the ER...NOW! Get up!"

"In case you didn't notice I am UP!"

"Shut up you ass! Get out of bed!"

Amy managed to help Bumper out of bed and get him semi-dressed. Little Bumper was on high alert and Big Bumper was having a hell of time trying to walk. As he walked through the living room he lost his balance and fell through the glass coffee table, knocking himself smooth out. Amy heard the crash and came vertical running into the room.

* * *

"Oh my God! BUMPER!" Amy rushed to Bumper's side and started slapping his face to get him to wake up. "Come on Bump, wake up!" After several minutes of trying to wake him up and having no success, Amy picked up her phone and dialed out for help and advice. No answer. She dialed again. No answer.

"One more time." She told herself. "Come on Beca… pick up!"

"Amy! I don't want any of those damnnnn… jelly donuts that call… that call youuuu in the middle of the night!" Beca said breathily into the phone.

"Beca... this isn't about donuts."

"Mmmm….then someone damn well better, ahhhh…. be dying or bleeding!"

"It's Bumper! He's bleeding and his balls are blue!"

"Oh my God! Mmmm babe, that's so good…right there. Oh Godddddd, right there." Beca said real breathy.

"Beca, are you ok?"

"Mmm...hmm...oh, Jess!"

"You sound out of breath…are you jogging?"

"Mmmm…babe!"

"Beca! Helloooo Beca!"

"Oh…mmmm, yeah! Sorry…I'mmmmm here."

"Beca...are you listening?"

"Ammmy...I have toooo gooo."

"No Beca! Don't you dare hang up. Earth to Beca! I'm on the phone!"

"Oh babe...Ohhhh my Godddd! Ahhhhh!"

"BECA! BECAWWW! It's Bumper! He's bleeding and his balls are blue!"

"Wait! What?! Jesse get off! (Babe, I'm not done.) Let me finish up this call and I promise I'll make it up to

you. Amy, what happened?!"

"I really don't have the time to explain."

"Then what the fuck did you call me for?"

"Oh shit, Bec, I'm sorry. You were in the middle of the big 'O', weren't you?"

"Yes, I was! Amy! What. Do. You. Want?"

"Oh yeah, what's the number for 9-1-1?!"

"Oh my God, Amy seriously?! It's 9-1-1!"

"Oh yeah... right."

"Yeah Amy. Now is everything ok?"

"Yeah Beca…Thanks! I love you!"

"I love you too Amy!"

"You can go back to your regularly scheduled programming… already in progress."

"Bye Amy!" Beca thought she hung up before throwing her phone on the floor but she didn't. Amy

could hear her giggling and Jesse saying, "Now, where were we?"

"Crazy kids." Amy said as she hung up.

* * *

Amy called 9-1-1 and within minutes the paramedics arrived. As she let them in they began asking a barrage of questions as they swiftly checked Bumper over, taking care not to put too much pressure on the tent in his sweats. They reassured Amy that he would be well taken of before loading Bumper up onto a gurney.

When they were ready to leave, Amy felt the whole thing was taking entirely too long so she looked at them and said, "Let's make like a baby and head out!" They laughed and did as she said. They weren't really sure how to take Amy but she didn't look like someone they wanted to mess with.

Upon arriving at the hospital, some ten minutes later, Bumper was taken straight through to triage and Amy was asked to wait in the waiting room.

"Ma'am, you'll have to wait here." A kindly nurse said, pointing to the rows of uncomfortable plastic chairs to the right of the reception desk.

"Aca-cuse me? I'm going with him!"

"You have to wait here."

"That's my boyfriend back there!"

"Ma'am, what's your name?" the nurse questioned, taking in Amy's disheveled appearance. She was wearing her crumpled flight attendant uniform from the night before, having been the first thing she grabbed when they decided Bumper needed medical assistance and sporting her fuzzy kangaroo slippers on her feet.

"Fat Amy."

"You call yourself Fat Amy?"

"Yeah, so twig bitches like don't do it behind my back."

"Well...Fat Amy, please let us do our jobs and I'll come out with an update shortly."

"Don't add fuel to my bloody hate fire."

"Amy, you need to wait here so we can take care of…"

"Ummm, newsflash, this isn't the little Miss Nursey, Nurse show…. You need to get out of my way." Amy exclaimed, breaking away from the kindly nurse in front of her.

"Ma'am... you can't go back there. Fat Amy!"

"Release the Kraken!" Amy bellowed, making her way in the direction of the corridor where Bumper was taken. "Feel the Fat Amy force!"

"Ma'am..." the nurse said running down the corridor after Amy. "Amy…come back here!"

"Vertical running! I'm vertical running! Bumper! I'm coming babe!"

* * *

Amy weaved in and out of the halls trying to lose the nurse. When she finally got to the back of the hospital, she found Bumper, alternating between crying that he was still alive and scolding him for being such an idiot as they waited for the doctor to come in. As they sat together, the nurse that Amy had pushed aside walked in.

"Mrs. Swanson!" Bumper screeched.

"Travis Allen, I heard you were here!" Mrs. Swanson said hugging him before turning to Amy "And you!"

Bumper turned to Amy, "What did you do? Mrs Swanson doesn't bust out her angry face for just anyone."

"Uhhhh...ummmm..." Amy hesitated. "I might have been just a little pushy back there."

"A little?" Mrs. Swanson questioned while tapping her foot. "Travis, who is this?"

"This is my girlfriend, Amy."

Mrs. Swanson's eyes were as big as dinner plates. "THIS is Amy?"

"Yes ma'am."

"Jesse and Beca always speak so highly of Amy. I wouldn't have imagined this."

"Mrs. Swanson, I'm really sorry for what I said and did. I was worried about Bump- I mean Travis and I just wanted to get to him."

"I understand that young lady, but there was no reason for you to cuss at me."

"Yes ma'am. I really am very sorry." Amy said, honestly.

"Thank you. I appreciate your apology. Now come here and give me a proper hug." Mrs. Swanson hugged Amy, patting her back for several moments. "And Bumper, I'll bring you some ice for the boys. Dr. Swanson will be in shortly."

* * *

After sitting with one large bag of ice under his junk and one on top of his junk for a good fifteen minutes, Dr. Swanson came in to see Bumper.

"Oh, hey there Bump, my main man, B-Man, the Bump, Bumpy, Bumperooney!"

Bumper looked up, "Hey Doc Swanson."

"I hear your penis is incredibly large …" Dr. Swanson said while looking at Bumper's chart. "... and swollen."

"That's not my only problem."

"Well...let's see what's going on." Dr Swanson continued, lifting the sheets a little. "OH MY! You've got a cock ring. I tried one of those back in the 70's."

"Yeah, It was cool while we were doing it but that," Amy said while pointing to Bumper's junk, "did take us a little bit by surprise."

"Oh God ..." Bumper said throwing his head back on the bed.

Dr Swanson chuckled, still thinking of his time in the 70's. "She was a lucky lady. I was quite the s-t-u-d in my day."

"I really don't need to hear this Doc. I need fixing." Bumper said face palming himself

"Don't be embarrassed." Dr. Swanson told him. "It's perfectly normal for two healthy specimens to try new things…"

Amy giggles, "I sometimes have a feeling I can do a 69? but then I think, mmm 'better not'."

"Guys... I'm in pain here."

"Sorry Bumper. Do you remember the time I saw you poking an apple pie, and I don't mean the lovely lady next to you, I mean, that fresh from the oven apple pie you were gettin' hot and heavy with in my kitchen over Spring Break a few years ago."

"Doc, can we stick to the matter at hand?"

"Tell me, did you find out what a clitoris was in the end?" Dr. Swanson asked as he jotted something down in Bumper's chart.

"Amy, help out me here."

"Oh, like you helped me when my head was stuck in the rails after that good pounding you gave me?"

"Such a lovely girl." Dr. Swanson mused. "She's a keeper Bumper."

"Doc, my manhood is in a vice grip and I'm gonna start singing soprano soon. Can you focus...please?"

Dr. Swanson threw the sheet back and started examining Bumper's junk. "Certainly. Do you have an erectile problem usually? You can buy time you know. It's surprising what you can do with a well placed thumb."

"Tried that." Amy quipped.

After the examination, Dr. Swanson decided that since the ice wasn't helping, they were going to have to try something more drastic. "Bumper, the swelling has not gone down, we're going to have try something else to remove the ring."

"Something else? Like what?"

"I've already sent one of the nurses to retrieve the dremel tool from maintenance."

"Oh no! You're not putting that thing anywhere near my junk!"

"Then what would you suggest, because if we don't do something soon, you're going to lose the entire package."

Bumper gulped. "The dremel tool it is then sir."

After several tries with the dremel tool, Dr. Swanson noticed that there wasn't even a mark on the ring. The dremel tool wasn't working. He leaned over and whispered something to the nurse. Moments later she came back with Ralph, the chief maintenance engineer for the hospital who, luckily happened to be next door fixing a broken light fixture. Bumper's eyes bugged out of his head when Ralph produced a very large pair of bolt cutters.

"Oh no! You're not coming near my junk with that! No way, no how! Get the fuck out!"

"Travis!" Mrs. Swanson yelled. "You are about 60 seconds from losing the whole kit and caboodle, I don't think you're in a position to tell us what to use when trying to save it."

"But Mrs. Swanson, bolt cutters? Those things cut master locks!"

"Travis we've tried everything else, if we can't get it off it, along with everything else, the ring will need to be surgically removed and that will require extensive physiotherapy and a prescription that will not allow you to have sex for several months."

"You're absolutely bat-shit crazy if you think I'm letting you go at my junk with that thing!"

"Travis Michael Allen! Don't make me take you over my knee young man." Mrs. Swanson pulled out her angry face again.

"But…"

"But nothing. You're gonna sit there and be quiet while we try to restore feeling and color to your junk. Got it mister?"

"Yes ma'am." Bumper said sulking. Mrs. Swanson patted his knee.

They took precautions to protect little boy blue and the twins as much as possible before allowing Ralph access to cut the cock ring. Ralph tried several times and while the bolt cutters made a mark on the ring it didn't come anywhere near close to cutting it. When the bolt cutters didn't work, Dr. Swanson delivered more bad news.

"Bumper, we're gonna have to call the fire department to come out with the jaws of life to get this things off of you."

Bumper gulped, "The jaws of life?"

"Yes. It's a piece of equipment used to cut crash victims out of vehicles." Dr. Swanson explained.

"And you wanna put that near my junk?"

"We don't have a choice. We'll leave you two alone until they arrive."

"I could call Benji?" Amy offered. "Maybe he could come down here with his magical powers and 'poof' that thing off you?"

"Do you even hear yourself? You want Benji to wave a wand over my junk to get this shit off?"

"It's worth a try."

"Amy! I have blue balls! BLUE BALLS! Loook!"

"I know! It's a little displeasing to the eye."

"A little?"

"You're one of those a capella boys, I'm one of those a capella girls and we were supposed to a capella children. It was supposed to be inevitable."

"Why are you spouting shitty Swanson-isms at me right now?!"

"Because we shouldn't have strayed from tradition!" she fussed. "We should have stuck to horizontal practices and left the vertical ones up to nature!"

"I'm going to lose my penis Amy!" he yelled, pointing at the tee-pee under the sheets. "We're going to lose my penis!"

She told him, "I'm gonna miss you and baby beluga!"

He turned to her and said, "What? Wait! You're breaking up with me?"

"Well, if you don't have a penis..."

"If I don't have a penis, it's all your fault!"

"If you don't have a penis, I won't be able to see your toner through your jeans!"

Several minutes later the fire department arrived. Turns out it was the same crew that had been to their house earlier. The firemen couldn't look them in the eye knowing where they had seen just hours earlier. They were trying to hide they laughter but weren't succeeding. The familiar looking fireman was there, although Amy noted he was hiding under his hat at the back of the hospital room.

One of the firemen turned to Amy and said, "You liked it so you put a ring on it huh?"

Amy winked, "You know it!"

"Ok Mr. Allen…"

"Mr. Allen is my Dad. Please call me Bumper or Travis."

"Ok Travis, we've got everything in place, we just need to you to stay very still so we can make the necessary cuts to the ring. I repeat, keep very still. Did you sign the insurance waiver form if we cut it off by accident? Are you ready?"

"About as ready as I'll ever be."

"On the count of 3 we're going to begin the cut."

Bumper started screaming like a girl. Everyone in the hospital could hear him and one person even asked if the lady screaming was going to get an epidural to have her baby. He was the talk of the hospital, though no one knew why he was there or what the screaming was about.

Right before the firemen left, Amy said "I'm going to get you a fireman suit to wear in the bedroom!"

Bumper grabbed his junk, very gingerly, and said, "I'm not putting out any of your fires any time soon!"

After being freed from the cock ring that had bound him for over 6 hours, Bumper was finally breathing normally again. After being visited by a urologist and thoroughly examined for what felt like the 100th time that day, he was given the all clear and was finally released to go home. They had just enough time to take a much deserved nap and showers before going to meet their friends for dinner and karaoke night.

* * *

Amy and Bumper joined their friends at The Boiling Crab for dinner before heading over to Cafe Brass Monkey for karaoke night. Cafe Brass Monkey was their favorite dive bar in the heart of Koreatown. It's so popular with the locals that song requests all need to be made before 9pm in order to secure your spot.

Beca filled everyone in on the strange phone call she received from Amy in the very early hours of the morning. Of course, she conveniently left out the part about what she and Jesse were doing at the time the call came in. Turns out Stacie knew more about the call than Beca did. Stacie's new boyfriend Sean, who she planned to introduce to everyone in person that night as they had only previously seen pictures, was one of the responding firemen. He responded to both calls involving Bumper and Amy. His introduction to the group was a warm but awkward one.

"Hey Bump!" Jesse said as he slapped him on the back. "Heard you gotta a little hitch in your get-a-long. What happened?"

Beca gave Jesse the evil eye and elbowed him in the ribs, "They tell us enough, do you really need to ask?"

"Dude, trust me. You don't wanna know."

"Oh come on!" Donald said. "Since when do you keep secrets?"

"Alright, alright!" Bumper said. "Amy brought home a new toy last night."

Stacie's face lit up. "Ames, you bought a new toy?"

Jesse looked at Donald, "We may have just opened Pandora's box."

"No shit!"

"Two words people… Cock. Ring." Bumper beamed.

"Amy...way to go girl!" Stacie winked. "Gettin' it! Gettin' it!"

Jesse laughed so hard he started having a coughing fit, causing Beca to look away from the girls and their conversation to check on him. Donald had a similar, yet messy reaction. He spit beer clear across the bar.

"Dude, a cock ring." Donald said after he gained his composure.

"It was a nice treat until it all went horribly wrong."

"Horribly wrong?" Jesse asked suddenly putting two and two together. "Is that why Amy called Beca this morning?"

"Yeah, the night started off great. For the record, I highly recommend you both get a cock ring."

"Sooo, what went wrong?" Donald asked.

"Nooo!" Beca begged. "Please, let's not get into this."

"Speak for yourself." Cynthia Rose said giving Stacie a high five. "I wanna hear this."

Bumper waved his hands and said, "Alright, if you really must know, I'll tell you. Amy and I had some fun with a cock ring. The first mishap..."

Donald laughed, "Shit, there was more than one?"

"Unfortunately yes! During round 1, Amy's head got stuck in the rails of our bed and I had to call the fire department."

All eyes turned to Stacie's boyfriend Sean. He blushed; not wanting to admit that he had seen Amy butt ass nekkid or that he had to get up close and personal with Bumper's junk. He threw his hands up and said, "Not my story to tell." With that, everyone looked back at Bumper and Amy for the rest of the story. Jesse motioned for the waitress to bring another round of beer and shots. Something told him they were going to need alcohol to get through this story.

"Anyway, after calling the fire department and getting Amy cut out of the bed, we had some pretty kick ass pissed off angry sex and fell asleep..."

"You didn't take it off?!" Stacie asked. "Tell me you didn't fall asleep with a cock ring on your junk?"

"Yes, I fell asleep with it on. BIG mistake. When we woke up we tried to get the damn thing off but it wouldn't budge. I was having trouble walking, lost my balance and fell through our glass coffee table. Which lead to the second call to 9-1-1."

"That's why you called me this morning!" Beca screeched.

"Oh don't act innocent, "Miss. 'Oh my God! Mmmm babe, that's so good…right there. Oh Godddddd, right there'." Amy said. "I caught these two in a hot and heavy session this morning."

"Hey Amy, difference is we didn't end up in the ER." Jesse said pulling Beca close and kissing her temple.

"Do you wanna hear the rest of this or what?" Bumper asked. The general consensus was not just yeah but hell yeah. "So I take a ride in the ambulance to the hospital where I meet not only Jesse's mom but his dad too. Amy had a run-in in the hallway with Mrs. Swanson and released the Kraken."

"Amy, you didn't?! You've scarred my mother-in-law!" Beca said.

"She's not your mother-in-law yet and for the record, she's fine Beca." Bumper assured her. "After that, your soon to be father-in-law came in and got up close and personal with my junk. They tried ice to shrink 'em, a dremel and bolt cutters on the ring before calling the fire department again to bring the jaws of life to get the cock ring off."

"Holy hell dude!" Donald's eyes were bugging out of his head.

"Hey Jess... did you know your dad tried a cock ring back in the 70's?!"

"Oh my God!" Beca buried her face in Jesse's chest. "Make it stop, please!"

"Why? What's wrong Bec?" Stacie asked.

"The first time Beca met my parents, we found out they were going through a nudist phase."

Stacie started laughing while Beca kept her face hidden in Jesse's chest. "Are you serious? You gotta tell us about it."

Luckily they were saved by the DJ calling their name to sing. "Next up is Beca, Cynthia Rose and Stacie. Come on up ladies!" The three looked at each other and laughed. They knew what was coming. Beca gave Jesse a quick kiss and made her way up to the stage with the other girls. Amy looked at Jesse and said, "What are they up to."

Jesse laughed, "You'll know soon enough."

Cynthia Rose took center stage with Stacie to her left and Beca to her right. Cynthia Rose announced to the crowd, "This song goes out to our best friend Amy and her man Bumper. We love you guys!"

The music started, hands were on hips and hips started swinging. They had performed this song many times and had the choreography down pat. This may just be karaoke night but they were the Bellas after all. Bellas not only sing, they dance and they dance like their lives depend on it.

_"All the single ladies (All the single ladies)_  
_All the single ladies (All the single ladies)_  
_All the single ladies (All the single ladies)_  
_All the single ladies_

_Now put your hands up"_

_(Cynthia Rose) "Up in the club, we just broke up_  
_I'm doing my own little thing_  
_You decided to dip but now you wanna trip_  
_Cause another brother noticed me_  
_I'm up on him, he up on me_  
_don't pay him any attention_  
_Cause I cried my tears, for three good years_  
_Ya can't be mad at me"_

_"Cause if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it_  
_If you liked it then you should've put a ring on it_  
_Don't be mad once you see that he want it_  
_If you liked it then you should've put a ring on it_

_Wuh uh oh uh uh oh oh uh oh uh uh oh_  
_Wuh uh oh uh uh oh oh uh oh uh uh oh_

_Cause if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it_  
_If you liked it then you should've put a ring on it_  
_Don't be mad once you see that he want it_  
_If you liked it then you should've put a ring on it"_

_(Beca) "I got gloss on my lips, a man on my hips_  
_Hold me tighter than my Dereon jeans_  
_Acting up, drink in my cup_  
_I could care less what you think_  
_I need no permission, did I mention_  
_Don't pay him any attention_  
_Cause you had your turn_  
_And now you gonna learn_  
_What it really feels like to miss me"_

_"Cause if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it_  
_If you liked it then you should've put a ring on it_  
_Don't be mad once you see that he want it_  
_If you liked it then you should've put a ring on it_

_Wuh uh oh uh uh oh oh uh oh uh uh oh_  
_Wuh uh oh uh uh oh oh uh oh uh uh oh"_

_(Stacie) "Don't treat me to these things of the world_  
_I'm not that kind of girl_  
_Your love is what I prefer, what I deserve_  
_Is a man that makes me then takes me_  
_And delivers me to a destiny, to infinity and beyond_  
_Pull me into your arms_  
_Say I'm the one you want_  
_If you don't, you'll be alone_  
_And like a ghost I'll be gone"_

_"All the single ladies (All the single ladies)_  
_All the single ladies (All the single ladies)_  
_All the single ladies (All the single ladies)_  
_All the single ladies_  
_Now put your hands up_

_Wuh uh oh uh uh oh oh uh oh uh uh oh_  
_Wuh uh oh uh uh oh oh uh oh uh uh oh_

_Cause if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it_  
_If you liked it then you should've put a ring on it_  
_Don't be mad once you see that he want it_  
_If you liked it then you should've put a ring on it_

_Cause if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it_  
_If you liked it then you should've put a ring on it_  
_Don't be mad once you see that he want it_  
_If you liked it then you should've put a ring on it_

_Wuh uh oh"_

* * *

When the girls got back to the table, Amy said, "You bitches just had to go there...didn't you?" They all laughed. It was all done in good fun and Amy knew that.

"It was the perfect song for the night." Cynthia Rose said with a wink.

Beca and Stacie kissed Amy on the cheeks and said, "We love you Amy." as they both wrapped her in a hug.

"Where's Sean?" Stacie asked as she sat down.

"Went to the bar." Jesse told her as he pulled Beca's chair out for her to sit.

"Be right back." Stacie told them going in search of her boy toy. She found him at the bar just like Jesse said she would. She walked up behind him and snaked her arms around his waist and allowed her hands to wander a bit. She whispered in his ear, "Meet me in the bathroom." He elicited a low groan then turned to watch Stacie as she walked in the direction of the bathroom. He had never met anyone like her before; she was definitely going to be the death of him.

After waiting several minutes, Sean followed Stacie to the bathroom. After his signature knock, Stacie opened the door and pulled him in by his shirt collar. She pushed Sean against the door and locked it. For a bar, the restrooms were nice, newly remodeled and the perfect place for a quickie. Stacie took Sean's hand and lead him to the counter between the two wash basins. Giving Sean a little push and a seductive look, he watched as Stacie began to remove his belt and jeans. She dropped to her knees and immediately went to work on his throbbing cock. He quickly realized what her plan was. Because of their position, he was able to see her and what she was doing not only by looking down on her but because he could look in the mirror. He was definitely enjoying the view. He threw his head back in enjoyment. She took his entire length in her mouth and bobbed up and down for a few moments, coating him, warming him up. She ran her tongue up and down his shaft as she cupped his balls in her hands, squeezing gently. She liked the way his eyes rolled as she did that. Flicking her tongue out, she circled his head, alternating between slipping him back in her mouth and releasing him with a loud pop and licking the tip of his penis like a cat licking milk from a saucer. It didn't take long before he grabbed the back of her head, holding her still as he stiffened, coming loudly with a long moan.

Stacie wasn't quite prepared for the line as she exited the bathroom. How long had she and Sean been in there? She walked past the line of bemused faces, hoping Sean was taking the minute he needed to avoid running the gauntlet as well. She was almost to the bar, and her much needed drink when Amy caught up to her, closely followed by Cynthia Rose and a quite green looking Beca.

"Been having fun, have we?" Amy asked, as Stacie sat on a stool and nodded to the bartender.

"What do you mean? With Sean?" Stacie asked.

"With Sean? Of course with Sean … Stacie, you do realise the bathroom has vents in it, right? Half the bar could hear you. We had to sing as loud as we could when it was our turn." Cynthia Rose mused.

"Oh, what were you singing?" Stacie asked, innocently as possible.

"So not the point." Beca muttered.

"So, you guys heard huh?" Stacie asked.

"Erm, yeah. What on earth were you doing?" Amy questioned, unable to let it go.

"Sean, obviously." Beca deadpanned.

"So when you said 'are we going to sink to new levels', you meant …?"

"Yep, he had me bent over the sink; it's a great height for me, being so tall! He lifted my skirt up, hitched my panties to one side and dropped his jeans. Lucky for me, he was still as hard as nails! When they talk about a firemans hose, girls, I can confirm that those bad boys are like dynamite. He lined himself up, told me not to bang my head on the faucet and he plunged himself into me. It was all I could do not to squeal, I can tell you. But the best part, we kept eye contact the whole time as he's working away, which is pretty erotic and I've got leverage to be able to push back against him."

"Sounds hot!" Amy said. "Not sure whether Bumpy will be up for tryin' that anytime soon. Think it's gonna be a while for he trusts me again."

"Just a while?" Beca laughs. "Dude, he nearly lost his junk."

"No lasting damage though. Although the doc did say, he may have to sit down for sex for a while."

"Try the toilet?" Stacie suggested.

"What?" Beca asked. "You've had sex on the -"

"- Yep, pretty much. He was sitting on the toilet -"

"- Ewww."

"Not like that. The lid was down. His pants were long gone by then and he doesn't wear anything underneath anyway. He was taking a moment to get his breath back so I climbed on, straddled him and held on to the tank behind as I rode him."

"Does that work?" Cynthia Rose asked.

"Oh yeah." Stacie said with a grin. "He was thrusting up and I was bouncing down. Had to be a bit careful though."

"Why?" Beca asked, although she was dreading the answer.

"Oh, I was doing that with a guy one time; he was flat out on his back in his bed and I was all dressed up like a cowgirl, riding that pony. He was desperate to get off, he'd been holding back for about three hours and his balls were purple. We were in a pretty good rhythm when he mewed like a kitten and I got distracted and missed a beat. He thrust up as deep as he could but I missed the beat and came back down a little too hard on him. We both heard the snap."

"You broke his penis?" Beca's eyebrows shot up into her hairline.

"Yeah. I said sorry."

"Oh my God." Beca exclaimed. "What happened next?"

"That was an A&E job too. If memory serves, it was Dr Swanson then too. We must keep him in business." Stacie laughed and finally placed their drink order on the fourth attempt at getting the bartenders attention. He looked familiar and Stacie was beginning to worry that she used and abused him before.

"That doesn't explain the loud banging noises from the bathroom though." Cynthia Rose. "It sounded like there was construction going on in there."

"Oh that could have been when I had my legs wrapped around his waist and he had me up against the wall. I'm pretty flexible as you know and being a dancer helps! Up against the wall, I had one of my legs over his shoulder as he drove into me."

Cynthia Rose couldn't hide the grin on her face. She remembered their Bella days and Stacie's dancer moves quite well.

"I was telling him to hurry up as I was getting pretty thirsty by this point and I was really hot from all the thrusting so he thought he'd push me up against the wall with the tiles, thinking it would be cool on my back. It was pretty amazing! He's got a good tongue, dear God, that tongue but when he's on the clock, and it's fast and hard, yeah, I see stars."

"Thanks for scarring me for life." Beca said as she picked up the drinks for her and Jesse that the bartender had placed for them on the top of the bar. The others followed suit and Stacie hopped down from the stool, taking a good mouthful of her margarita and sighing.

"Music, singing, margaritas, stories, good friends and a healthy serving of Beca embarrassment? I'd call that a good night, wouldn't you ladies?"

They all laughed, including Beca as they clinked their glasses together, reaching the table and placing the drinks down for the others.

"Who's up for getting vocal?!" Donald asked, nudging Cynthia Rose with his elbow.

"Seeing as Sean and Stacie already showed us their range, I guess it's our turn now dude!" Cynthia Rose laughed.

They continued to take turns singing, dancing and entertaining the crowd with their antics. The crowd was eyeing Stacie and Sean knowing full well what happened in the bathroom earlier but Stacie was just glad she was wearing her favourite top and skirt, so that at least, if all eyes were on her, they were looking at her best outfit!

* * *

As the evening was winding down and everyone was getting ready to leave, Bumper got everyone's attention, calling them together and asking for a moment of everyone's time.

_"Ladies & Gentlemen, Gather round. Get ready for a show… of affection._

_Amy, our relationship has been an awesome...ly horrible kinda thing at times_

_And while we were in college, you put your sisters before misters_

_but then we gathered round, You saw the sign, I turned the beat around_

_and it really opened up my eyes, we didn't stop the music,_

_you saw the magic in me and I didn't forget about you_

_and you spun my head right round when you went down down_

_I saw your booty work, you released the Kraken and it was really No Diggity_

_but baby all of this crazy stuff only means that "My Life Would Suck Without You'."_

Bumper got down on one knee, like the gentleman Amy always knew he was, and asked, "Amelia Rose Wilson, I love you and can't imagine my life without you. Will you do me the honor of becoming my wife and sharing this crazy life with me 'Until the End of Time' because 'You & I' are unstoppable."

The girls all gasped and sighed as everyone looked to Amy waiting for her to answer Bumper. She was slack jawed and in shock; clearly she never expected this.

"Amy." Beca said gently trying to get her best friend's attention. "Amy!"

Amy shook her head to bring herself back to the present. Bumper was still kneeling before her, ring in hand, waiting for her response and looking slightly scared. He even did a double take to make sure he was holding the right ring in his hand.

"Amy... baby, look at me." Bumper said hooking her chin with his finger. "Did you hear me?" Amy nodded her head but still couldn't say anything. Shock had clearly taken over.

"Amy." Bumper said again. "What's your answer?"

"Uhhhh...ummmm..." was all that Amy could manage to get out.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

**"Food for … What?!"**

* * *

**A/N: Fumper is back by popular demand and just in time for SMUT SUNDAY! This chapter has been a very long time in the making and I sincerely hope y'all enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. **

**_WARNING:_ If you have a queasy stomach or even fear that Puke Gate may be released, please don't go any further as I can't be held responsible for severe bouts of vomiting, indigestion or heartburn.**

**So, without further ado...**

* * *

_**~ Last time at Cafe' Brass Monkey ~**_

_"Amy." Bumper said again. "What's your answer?"_

_"Uhhhh... ummmm..." was all that Amy could manage to get out._

_"Amy? Amy, say something… come on babe."_

**~ Cafe' Brass Monkey ~**

**Present**

Amy could hear the rumblings of everyone around her but suddenly the room was all too loud and she couldn't hear herself think properly. The air felt thick and heavy and she felt as if that last rum and coke she drank was sitting high up in her throat.

"Dude, you okay?" Beca asked, looking over and catching the blank expression on Amy's face. Beca was quite concerned for her friend who was usually full of the funniest one-liners and quips, but now she was scarily quiet.

"It's cool, but it did take me a little by surprise." Amy admitted then stood up abruptly and said, "I need to -"

"- Are you going to do a Posen on us?" Stacie asked as she backed away from Amy.

"Puke? No! But I do need to..." Amy got up from her seat and immediately tackled Bumper to the ground, kissing his face.

"Is that a 'yes' then Ames? A guy needs an answer!" Bumper said with a slight nervous twitch to his right eye.

"Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!" She said excitedly.

"Now, that's an answer I recognize." Bumper laughed.

As they tried to gracefully to stand up off the floor, Bumper reached up to grab the table and got a handful of Stacie's boob instead. "Hey lover boy, hands off the goodies!" Stacie said adjusting the girls back to their rightful place.

Beca was the first up to hug and congratulate Amy and Bumper as Jesse motioned for the barmaid to bring another pitcher of beer and a couple rounds of shots over.

Jesse shook Bumper's hand and they did the typical guy one shouldered hug before Beca dragged Jesse towards the stage to sing.

"What are you doing?" Jesse asked, almost tripping over a chair as his fiancé pulled him along.

"We're gonna go sing something for Amy and Bumper." Beca said with a wink.

"Ok, who are you and what have you done with my fiancé?"

"Oh, she's still here. She just has a lot of liquid courage running through her tonight."

"You know I was drugged when I was a kid... right?"

"What?" Beca asked not sure she heard Jesse right.

"I was drug to school, I was drug to church, I was drug to Sunday dinner at my MawMaw's, but never in my wildest dreams did I think, I would get drug on stage by beautiful, badass fiancé!"

"I'm full of surprises!" she said handing him a microphone.

Jesse took a microphone and said, "This song goes out to our best friends, Bumper and Amy, who just got engaged! We love y'all!"

**Jesse**

_"It's so crazy right now!_  
_Most incredibly, it's ya girl, Bee,_  
_It's ya boy, young."_

**Beca**

_"You ready? Stacie get your ass up here!"_

**Beca and Stacie, who reached the stage in seconds, almost falling out of her shirt as she ran.**

_"Uh oh, uh oh, uh oh, oh no no_  
_Uh oh, uh oh, uh oh, oh no no_  
_Uh oh, uh oh, uh oh, oh no no_  
_Uh oh, uh oh, uh oh, oh no no"_

**Jesse**

_"Yea, history in the making,_  
_Part 2, it's so crazy right now"_

**Beca started rubbing all over Jesse while she was singing.**

_"I look and stare so deep in your eyes,_  
_I touch on you more and more every time,_  
_When you leave I'm begging you not to go,_  
_Call your name two or three times in a row,_  
_Such a funny thing for me to try to explain,_  
_How I'm feeling and my pride is the one to blame._  
_'Cuz I know I don't understand,_  
_Just how your love can do what no one else can."_

**Beca and Stacie**

_"Got me looking so crazy right now, your love's_  
_Got me looking so crazy right now (in love)_  
_Got me looking so crazy right now, your touch_  
_Got me looking so crazy right now (your touch)_  
_Got me hoping you'll page me right now, your kiss_  
_Got me hoping you'll save me right now_  
_Looking so crazy in love's,_  
_Got me looking, got me looking so crazy in love._

_Uh oh, uh oh, uh oh, oh no no_  
_Uh oh, uh oh, uh oh, oh no no_  
_Uh oh, uh oh, uh oh, oh no no_  
_Uh oh, uh oh, uh oh, oh no no"_

**Beca was still rubbing all over Jesse. Jesse was enjoying it but was still wondering what had gotten into her.**

_"When I talk to my friends so quietly,_  
_Who he think he is? Look at what you did to me,_  
_Tennis shoes, don't even need to buy a new dress,_  
_If you ain't there ain't nobody else to impress,_  
_The way that you know what I thought I knew,_  
_It's the beat my heart skips when I'm with you,_  
_But I still don't understand,_  
_Just how your love can do what no one else can."_

**Beca and Stacie**

_"Got me looking so crazy right now, your love's_  
_Got me looking so crazy right now (oh crazy)_  
_Got me looking so crazy right now, your touch (you're in love)_  
_Got me looking so crazy right now (love!)_  
_Got me hoping you'll page me right now, your kiss (hey!)_  
_Got me hoping you'll save me right now_  
_Looking so crazy in love's, (hey)_  
_Got me looking, got me looking so crazy in love._

_I'm Looking so crazy in love's,_  
_Got me looking, got me looking so crazy in love."_

**Jesse**

_"Check it, let's go_  
_Young Hov y'all know when the flow is loco,"_

**Beca & Stacie** _"uh oh, (oh)"_

**Jesse** _"Young B and the R-O-C"_

**Beca & Stacie** _"uh oh, (oh)"_

**Jesse** _"Ol' G, big homie, the one and only"_

**Beca & Stacie** _"uh oh, (oh)"_

**Jesse** _"Stick bony, but the pocket is fat like Tony Soprano"_

**Beca & Stacie** _"(oh no)"_

**Jesse**

_"The ROC handle like Van Axel,_  
_I shake phoneys man, You can't get next to,_  
_The genuine article I go I do not sing though,_  
_I sling though, If anything I bling yo,"_

**Beca & Stacie** _"uh oh, (oh)"_

**Jesse** _"a star like Ringo, roll like"_

**Beca & Stacie** _"uh oh, (oh)"_

**Jesse**

_"Crazy bring your whole set,_  
_Jay-Z in the range, crazy and deranged,_  
_They can't figure them out they like hey is he insane,"_

**Beca & Stacie** _"(oh no)"_

**Jesse**

_"Yes sir I'm cut from a different cloth,_  
_My texture is the best fur, of chinchilla."_

**Beca & Stacie** _"(Uh oh, uh oh, uh oh, oh no no)"_

**Jesse**

_"Been dealing with chain smokers,_  
_But how you think I got the name Hova?"_

**Beca & Stacie** _"(Uh oh, uh oh, uh oh, oh no no)"_

**Jesse** _"I been realer the game's over"_

**Beca & Stacie** _"(Uh oh, uh oh, uh oh, oh no no)"_

**Jesse** _"Fall back young, ever since the label changed over"_

**Beca & Stacie** _"(Uh oh, uh oh, uh oh, oh no no)"_

**Jesse** _"to platinum the game's been wrap, One!"_

**Beca**

_"Got me looking, so crazy, my baby_  
_I'm not myself, lately I'm foolish, I don't do this,_  
_I've been playing myself, baby I don't care_  
_'Cuz your love's got the best of me,_  
_And baby you're making a fool of me,_  
_You got me sprung and I don't care who sees,_  
_'Cuz baby you got me, you got me, so crazy baby_  
_HEY!"_

**Beca and Stacie**

_"Got me looking so crazy right now, your love's (oh love)_

_Got me looking so crazy right now (lookin' crazy)_  
_Got me looking so crazy right now, your touch_  
_Got me looking so crazy right now_  
_Got me hoping you'll page me right now, your kiss (baby)_  
_Got me hoping you'll save me right now (baby)_  
_Looking so crazy in love's, (whoa!)_  
_Got me looking, got me looking so crazy in love. (whoa!)_

_Got me looking so crazy right now, your love's_  
_Got me looking so crazy right now (your love)_  
_Got me looking so crazy right now, your touch_  
_Got me looking so crazy right now (your touch)_  
_Got me hoping you'll page me right now, your kiss_  
_Got me hoping you'll save me right now_  
_Looking so crazy in love's,_

_Got me looking, got me looking so crazy in love."_

As the song ended, Beca, Jesse and Stacie looked out to where their friends were whooping and cheering on the other side of the bar. Sean looked impressed with Stacie's vocals and she winked as she walked back toward him. Beca looked over to see Bumper and Amy frantically and passionately making out with each other and she thought back to all of the times she and Jesse caught them in strange and unusual predicaments over the years.

Bumper and Amy managed to throw almost everyone off their trail by trading rude, snarky comments for all of Freshman year. Donald, Jesse, Beca and Stacie all knew what was going on before long. With the tell- tale signs apparent; Bumper's boxers stuffed down the side of the sofa and an ominous looking stain on the hallway carpet in Beca and Amy's apartment, it wasn't too hard for Beca to work out. Amy would retire to bed early with her music up louder than necessary but Beca wasn't fooled. Amy wasn't exactly the most discreet when she accidentally texted Beca about her moist muffin instead of Bumper.

Beca stopped eating muffins.

Donald would overhear Bumper on the phone and judging by the look on Bumper's face as he hid in the corner of their shared apartment, he knew that when Bumper was talking about how he wanted to grind his beef, he wasn't talking about making hamburgers.

After telling Beca and Jesse about it over beers one night, Beca vowed never to eat hamburgers again. Especially if they contained gherkins.

The group had a code word (Imperial Guard… damn Jesse!) in the event that Aubrey was near or on the warpath and that code word was used plenty of times during that year at Barden. Aubrey was nicknamed the Kirschenplotzer by Amy. She explained to the group that she thought of Aubrey as a renegade Nazi, and as the German specialty cake consisted mainly of cherries, it reminded her that due to her overly strict and dominatrix style ways, Aubrey was unlikely to never, ever lose her cherry.

Of course, this wasn't long after she'd served poor Beca a cherry mojito and Jesse nearly went without any loving for a week after Amy explained the best way to serve Kirschenplotzer was with a white custard.

Unfortunately, Aubrey had the uncanny knack of knowing when Amy and Bumper were texting each other during Bella practice and would only just accept Amy's explanation that she was writing out her grocery list. The fact that she was discussing the size of Bumper's 'marrow' was irrelevant and Amy knew that all she had to do was to show her German dictator inspired friend a picture of her boyfriends' Bratwurst to make her freak out and clutch her stomach in fear.

To further throw Aubrey off the scent, Amy had the idea for Bumper to throw a burrito at her when they traveled to one of the competitions, never quite intending for it to hit her right in the chest the way it did. She hoped that would be enough to throw Aubrey off guard and it did seem to do the trick although she did find it hard to keep a straight face. Beca did as well, clearly understanding and catching on to what had just happened.

Later that night, they agreed to meet in their not so secret rendezvous spot on a slightly worn and wobbly concrete bench in the middle of the Quad near to the Music Theater. While waiting for Bumper, Amy found pieces of the previously thrown and overly cheesy burrito in her cleavage purse and when he finally arrived, he had been more than willing to clean it up with his tongue. Having got the taste of Amy's cheese covered boobs, he found a little something behind Amy's right ear which Amy hissed out was fueling her hate-fire and proceeded to pop open the buttons on her striped blouse, much to Bumper's delight.

The cool air made her nipples poke up through her bra and Bumper proceeded to take full advantage of her semi naked state and worked his way down her body, nipping at her skin with his teeth. Unaware of the cold concrete bench and bare skin, Bumper hadn't realized that while he had been enjoying working on Amy, she'd unzipped his pants and Little Bumper had become attached to the seat. He only realized as he got more excited and wanted to drag Amy back to his apartment to, in Amy's words, 'stuff her like a Christmas turkey', that he realized he was stuck like glue.

After spending a full minute laughing, Amy placed her hands over him in an effort to warm him up. She tried tugging which produced a high-pitched squeal from Bumper that Amy likened to the sounds of Dingoes mating in the outback and remarked to Bumper that he was likely to be singing soprano for a few weeks after this. Despite the severity of the situation, Bumper laughed but was keen for Amy to go and get some help.

"I've have an idea and it will save anyone knowin' about all of this?"

"I'm all ears." Bumper said, as he thought this was way too similar to the kid whose tongue got stuck to the flagpole in the movie 'A Christmas Story'. He winced as he wondered just how much skin he was going to lose.

"Back home, when we get stung by bees, or if the wind doesn't produce enough energy or maybe just if one of us is annoyed, we'd pee on each other."

"Um, what?" Bumper asked, eyeing her with a look that oozed incredulity.

"I'll pee on the little guy. That way it will either warm the little courgette or at the least, take the frostbite of your dong."

"Are you mad?! You are not peeing on me!"

"I haven't been certified yet but there's always been that worry within the family." Amy said, beginning to hitch up her skirt in preparation.

"Just get some help for me."

"I could go get some hot water."

"Let's not boil the little soldier."

"Okay, let me call Stacie. She's good at getting out of awkward situations."

Unfortunately, they hadn't checked the position of the campus security cameras before their little tryst. Within hours, several copies of the live feed were passed around on various internet video sites, all showed Bumper being manhandled by an enthusiastic Stacie and a highly amused Amy.

Chloe, who was dating the College's Head of Security, saw quite a lot more than she bargained for that night. Of course, she went straight to see Beca with a copy of the DVD the next day. While it took at least a week for Beca to get over the sight of Bumper's pasty white ass cheeks, the next time she did see Bumper she was quick to ask him if he'd 'found himself in any uncomfortable _circum-stances_ recently'.

He replied that all was well, unaware that the video of him losing an inch of himself to frostbite had gone viral. Unfortunately, for Beca, she saw the camera zoom in on the little piece of Bumper that got left behind.

As a result, Beca never ate pigs in blankets again.

* * *

**~ 5 years earlier ~**

**Sophomore Year**

"Beca, something is really wrong with me." Amy told her friend and Bella captain, while poking at her loaded baked potato as they sat across the table from one another in their favorite diner just off campus.

"Ok dude, don't freak out." Beca said as she reached across the table to pat Amy's hand. "I'm here for you… unless whatever is wrong with you will cause me to catch something."

"No, it's not like that." Amy said, managing a weak smile. "Something weird happened."

"Ok... like what?" Beca asked, reaching down for her fork to resume eating her lunch.

"Like, I think I might actually have genuine feelings for Bumper."

"Oh my God!" Beca said, choking on a bite of her salad. "Dude NO!"

"What?"

"I'm sorry. I mean, that's interesting." Beca said, trying to compose herself. When she finally felt like she could handle whatever Amy was going to throw her way she took a deep breath, cleared her throat and said spoke evenly. "Ok… let's talk about it."

"Becs, I just don't know what to do." Amy dropped her fork with a clatter onto the table and looked uncharacteristically troubled as she locked eyes with the brunette.

"I have a feeling I'm really going to regret asking this." Beca said with a gulp. "Let's start at the beginning. What changed?"

"It's just so weird, you know?"

"Amy, if you say weird one more time… I swear I'll make you go to the gym and do cardio with me later."

"Yeah, no cardio for me."

"Good, now that we're in agreement about cardio… where were we?"

"I was saying, well... uhhh, ummm..."

"Ames, you know I love you more than bacon but I really hate when you do that 'ooohhhh, aaaahhhh, ummmm' crap. Spit it out already!"

"Oh yeah... sorry short stack." Amy said, staring at her fingers. "Well, he was wetting my bread and well, you know… my bread was wet… if you know what I'm saying."

"Dude! Gross! Urgh! I'm finally off bread now… thank you!" Beca said with her usual snarkiness as she tossed her dinner roll across the table hitting Amy between the eyes.

"Well, that was a waste of good bread." Amy said, staring unhappily at the dinner roll as it hit the floor.

Going back to her salad Beca said, "Look, I understand that you can't always help who you're attracted to…"

"This isn't your run of the mill attraction." Amy explained. "I smoke his flute… a lot! And he plays my fiddle… like all the time and I just wanted to finish him like a cheesecake…"

"Dude… no!" Beca said. Her eyes were as big as dinner plates as she pointed her fork at Amy.

"What did I do?" Amy asked confused.

"You've already ruined bread, you're not taking cheesecake from me too." Beca said as she chased a cherry tomato around her plate.

"Oh… sorry." Amy said with a smirk that disappeared quickly.

"Come on… spill it. What's going on in that pretty, twisted little brain of yours?" Beca asked around a mouthful of salad.

Amy sighed, "Beca, this is not the same as you and Jesse."

"Ok, I'll bite. What do you mean?"

"The first time you met Jesse your vagina fell on the floor and tried to crawl up his leg."

"Yeah… I'll admit it did, but I scooped it up and snapped it back on. He had to earn it after that."

Amy smiled. She was very impressed with Beca's come back but at the same time she looked and felt a little defeated. "Beca, you're beautiful, thin, smart, talented and funny. I'm just a funny, fat girl who can sing like an angel and mermaid dance. Fat girls don't find love; we just get used and left."

"Excuse me… what?" Beca said, pausing mid chew to process what Amy had said.

"It's true." Amy reached forward to take a long pull on her bottle of water.

"Amy, you are funniest fuckin' person I know and I love everything about you. You are so much more than your doubts." Beca told her. "Who gives a shit what everyone thinks? I think you're fabulous!"

"I don't know about that."

"Well, I do." Beca said smiling. "If it'll make you feel better and put that smile back on your pretty face, I'll tell you a secret."

Amy perked up, "A secret, huh?"

"Yep!"

"Do tell." Amy said full of excitement.

"I was in a rush to meet you on time…"

"You were blowing Jesse's pitch pipe this morning… weren't you?" Amy winked.

Beca cleared her throat a couple of times and looked like she got caught with her hand in the cookie jar. "As I was saying, in my rush to get here on time, I may have forgotten to put a bra on and I think my thong may be on backwards." Beca said squirming a little in her seat.

"So, that's why you've been squirming in your seat!" Amy giggled. "By the way, there's no wrong way to wear a thong, Beca. They're uncomfortable no matter how you wear them."

"Good point!" Beca agreed as she shoveled another forkful of salad into her mouth.

"And for the record, a bra is just fancy decoration on you cuz you've only got slightly more than a 4th grader. I have to wear a bra cuz you get a ticket for not putting the kids in a car seat." Amy said fondling her boobs like Stacie always did.

Beca choked. "Damn dude, can you give me some advanced warning next time. I just aspirated a piece of avocado!"

"So, what's he like?"

"What's what like?" Beca asked.

"Don't play coy with me Miss. Thang! You know what I'm talking about."

"I have no idea."

"Spill it. You know you want to tell me all about the Treble."

"Ok… fine! That boy has a magical mouth!" Beca admitted, mumbling into her hair, blushing immediately. "It's like a Dyson. Happy now?"

"Very!" Amy laughed. "Aren't you gonna ask me about Bumper?"

"Ummm... no! No, I'm not." Beca said pushing her plate away from her.

"Since you asked," Amy said, ignoring Beca's refusal and smiling broadly. "He has a way of dropping a bomb in my cannoli that's like…"

"Aww, fuck Amy!" Beca said, dropping her head on the table.

"What? What did I say?"

"Cannoli… you said cannoli!" Beca mumbled before lifting her head and shaking her fist at Amy. "Do you know how much I used to love cannolis?"

"Would you have preferred that I tell you about my cherries jubilee?"

"AMY!"

"What?"

"I really, really need you to stop mentioning what you and Bumper do with food. Y'all already bitch about how skinny I am and I really don't need you removing any more food items from my diet."

"But you eat more than all of us put together."

"And your point is?"

"You're always by the food." Amy told her. "I've seen lumberjacks that eat less."

* * *

**~ Beca and Amy's Apartment ~**

**Fall Semester**

**Senior Year**

After their weekly Thursday night dinner with Dr. Mitchell and Sheila, Beca and Jesse headed back to the girl's apartment. Thinking they were alone, because the apartment was dark and quiet, they stumbled into Beca's room clothes being strewn about as they did. As they entered Beca's bedroom the door closed behind them a little louder than expected causing the two to start laughing.

Jesse picked Beca up and threw her on the bed. As she landed, she immediately bent her knees, unashamedly parting her thighs and allowed Jesse access to her intimate flesh. What he was doing was threatening to destroy her. He was playing with the little ball at the end of the curved metal rod that pierced the hood of her clit, rolling his tongue over it, stroking it against the little bundle of nerves.

She found herself so turned on and lost in the pleasure, the spiraling, the incredible hot sensations, that she could do nothing more the writhe and moan beneath him.

He was rolling the hard silver ball against his tongue and stroking her clit at the same time. As he sucked both into his mouth, her heart raced and blood thundered through her veins. She felt herself, both inside and out, twisting with hot licks of such incredible pleasure that she could only cry out against it.

"Easy baby." He said as his hands gripped her hips and held her in place against the bed. "Just enjoy it. Let me make you feel good." He placed gentle kisses on her lips and jaw line before kissing his way back down her body. He kissed and sucked her clit, then flicked his tongue over it. "Let me play for another minute or two then you can come all over me."

She didn't want to wait. She whimpered out against the pleasure as she threaded her fingers through his hair, pulling at it and trying like hell to drag him closer.

"Come on babe," he whispered devilishly. "Tell me what you want."

She sighed her head thrashing on the pillows. "I want to come Jess. I want to come now."

"Tell me how to make you come. Tell me how to make you feel good."

"Jess," she panted, a cry of need escaping her. "Oh God, please Jess… please suck my clit. Suck it. Please, let me come."

He sucked and lapped but he only made the pleasure hotter, brighter, the need was like electricity racing over her flesh. His tongue continued to play with the little ring and the silver ball piercing her clit. He sucked it and loved it as he worshiped her.

He continued to tease and torment her as she was sweating and pleading with him. When he began to suckle her firmly and rapidly, his tongue playing over the little silver ball above her clit, she exploded. She felt herself melt and went willingly into a ball of explosive, torrential heat.

The sudden hard thrust of his cock inside her and the feel of his piercing stroking her flesh, dragging over it, left her shaking, arching, crying as another orgasm crashed through her.

"There you go... That's it."

"Oh my God… Yes!" she screamed.

"Fuck babe!" He said as he dragged her closer, kneeling over her, his hips thrusting.

She was feeling so many things at that exact moment; pleasure, pain, the stretching burn and the amazing ecstasy of it all. She wrapped her arms around his neck, her nails biting into the sensitive flesh, her legs wrapped around his waist and matched him thrust for thrust. She cried out his name as she felt herself unravel again, his release shot through her like hot lava.

"Oh my God babe, you just sucked the life out of me." He said as he collapsed on the bed beside her, dragging her across his chest and holding her tight to his chest as they attempted to catch their breath after their intense and quick session.

Amy stormed out of her room, marched across the apartment and banged loudly on Beca's bedroom door "I can't concentrate on my porn addiction with all this real sex going on around me!" she bellowed. "Keep it down!"

"Oh shit!" Beca giggled. "When did she get home?!"

"Apparently a while ago." Jesse laughed as he kissed her forehead. "Ready for round two?!"

"Always!"

"Good, cuz I'm not done with you."

**~ The next day ~**

After a Friday night date, Beca and Jesse returned to the apartment she shared with Amy. Living with Amy always proved to be very interesting to say the least but nothing could have prepared Beca and Jesse for what they were about to walk in on.

Beca unlocked the door as she and Jesse tumbled into the living room, they continued to fool around a bit until they heard something that made them stop.

"I thought you said Amy was out for the night." Jesse whispered.

"She was supposed to be." Beca said, turning a cautious eye towards the noise.

Jesse grabbed her hand as they tiptoed toward the kitchen where the sound came from. They were stopped dead in their tracks by the site of a very nekkid Amy and Bumper playing pineapple ring toss on the kitchen counter.

"UGH!" Beca said as she covered her eyes. Jesse closed his eyes and turned to curl his body around Beca's in an attempt to shield her from the sight of their unclothed friends, sitting proudly and happily right next to a large, untouched pizza.

"What the fuck Beca?" Amy said, snatching a piece of pizza off the counter in an effort to cover her lady parts.

"I could ask the same fucking thing Amy!" Beca screeched. "You were supposed to be out for the night."

"Plans changed."

"Obviously." Beca spat.

Amy was now standing in front of Beca nekkid as the day she was born. "You two weren't exactly quiet last night or this morning."

"I can't listen to a word you're saying until you cover your junk better." Beca told her.

Amy smirked. "Yeah, I'm comfortable with all this." She said dropping the slice of pizza and gesturing to her goodies.

"You should be… but will you please cover yourself properly?" Beca asked, her eyes covered.

"Scared Jesse might see something he likes?!"

"Umm...no! Why must all my friends stand in front of me nekkid?" she mumbled.

"So, let me get this straight, it's ok for you and lover boy to go at it like a couple of drunk monkeys but Bumper and I can't?"

"Really Amy?! Y'all are butt ass nekkid in our kitchen?!" Beca yelled. "Jesse and I were in MY room… with the door closed."

Up until this point the guys remained silent, letting the girls have their say. Bumper, in all of his stupidity decided that now was the time to butt in. Jesse didn't quite know where to place his eyes so he turned his back to Amy and Bumper. "Allow me to introduce you two." Motioning between the girls he continued, "Pot meet kettle."

"Funny you pointed to Amy when you said pot." Beca said real bitchy. "She knows all about pot. Don't you Amy?"

"Screw you Beca."

"No thanks, I'll leave that to Bumper."

"You heard her Bump… jump back up on the counter." Amy said as she hiked her leg up to get back on the counter.

"Oh my God!" Beca said rubbing her forehead, trying desperately to remove the image of Amy's naked ass climbing onto the kitchen counter. "I'll never cook or eat food that's been prepared in this kitchen again."

"I'll clean the kitchen when we're done." Amy told her.

"Straight bleach couldn't kill the Bumper germs on that counter."

"It is a little sticky." Amy said as she licked her fingers, turning her attention back to Bumper.

"Gross!" Beca said while trying not to gag. "Come on Jesse."

"Where are we going?" Jesse asked.

"To pack." She said taking his hand and dragging him in the direction of her bedroom.

"Where are we going?" Jesse asked again confused.

"I'm moving out… tonight!" she told him. "I can't live like this anymore. Can't believe I chose to live with Amy over Stacie."

"Where are you gonna live?"

"I'm moving in with you nerd. Come on, let's go!"

"Umm, I'm not saying that I don't love the idea of you moving in, because I do but is your dad gonna be ok with this new arrangement?"

"I don't give two shits or a fuck what he thinks." She told him. "Besides, if I tell him that Amy's sexual exploits are interfering with my studying and nutrition he'll be just fine."

"True."

"You are a man of many words Jesse Swanson." she said with a grin.

"My dad taught me the importance of keeping my mouth shut in times when my manhood could be caught in the crossfire."

"Smart man." she said leaning in for a kiss. "You think Benji will be ok with me moving in?"

"Heck yeah! Benji loves you."

"Awesome!" She said wrapping her arms around his neck. "Now, will you help me pack?"

"Let's do this!"

After packing Beca walked toward the front door and stopped short. She put her duffle bag down and turned to see if Amy was still in the kitchen. Jesse looked at her with a slight look of confusion.

Beca kissed his cheek and said, "Gimme a minute."

"Sure. I'll start loading this stuff in our cars."

"Thanks babe."

Beca walked toward the kitchen hoping that Amy was now wearing clothes and dreading the goodbye. She and Amy had lived together in their apartment since Sophomore year. There were a lot of good memories within those walls but there were also quite a few things Beca would prefer to forget.

"Hey." Beca said glad to see Amy dressed and cleaning the kitchen.

"Hey." Amy said turning to face her.

"Well, I'm all packed."

"You don't have to go Beca."

"Yeah, I do. It's time." Beca admitted as she wiped a tear from her cheek.

"What am I going to do without you?"

"I'm sure you'll find something to do."

Amy laughed. "I guess you're right."

"We'll be back tomorrow to get my furniture. I'll give you the key then."

"Keep the key. I may need you to come save me one day." Amy laughed. "You know how clumsy I am!"

"Thanks Amy." Beca sighed. "I'm gonna go, Jesse's waiting."

"Come here and gimme a hug Shawshank."

Beca grimaced. "Have you showered?"

"Yes! Now get over here!"

The girls hugged and said their see ya laters, it wasn't necessary to say goodbye as they knew they would still see each other all the time. Beca took one last look around before walking out of the front door and locking it. She had to believe she was doing the right thing especially if she and Amy were to remain friends, after all, there was only so much naked Amy she could handle.

* * *

**~ Beca and Amy's Apartment ~**

**Sophomore Year**

The Bella's and Uni were spread about the floor and the furniture in Beca and Amy's apartment. They all had hot water bottles pressed to their abdomens as they moaned about pain and cramps; the floor was littered with candy wrappers.

"This shit hurts!" Beca wailed. "I really don't understand why we're punished every 28 days for not being pregnant."

"It's all Eve's fault. Fucking bitch just had to go and eat that damn apple. Now the rest of us get punished for all of eternity." Cynthia Rose said as she rubbed her belly.

"Did y'all take Midol?" Stacie asked.

"Shut up Stacie!" Amy bellowed as she moved her water bottle around a bit. "The only reason you're not dying right along with us is because you get that depo shot four times a year."

Stacie made a face before saying, "You shut up bitch!"

"I love it when we're all on the same cycle. We can all be passive aggressive and fight." Uni piped in.

"Shut the fuck up Uni." Beca said as she kicked him in the head from her spot on the couch. "The only cycle you have is your fucking unicycle and that doesn't count for shit in this situation or any other situation for that matter!"

A few minutes later the doorbell rang and they all looked around. "Y'all expecting anyone?" Stacie asked looking at Beca and Amy.

"No." They answered in unison.

"Ugh!" Stacie said walking toward the door. "Who the fuck could it be?"

"Here's an idea… why don't you ask the person on the other side of the door?" Cynthia Rose said as she rolled on the floor.

Stacie gave Cynthia Rose a dirty look before asking, "Who is it?"

"Jesse."

Stacie looked at Beca who was shaking her head.

Amy stared Beca down like she was a runaway bon bon. "Are you kidding me?"

"Why are you looking at me like that? I told him not to come over." Beca said.

"Go away." Stacie told Jesse.

"Guess I'll just have to eat all of these cupcakes myself then." Jesse told her. Within seconds, the door flew open and Jesse walked in with a box of cupcakes from Beca's favorite bakery tucked under his arm. "Hello ladies." He said as he walked in.

"I told you not to come over. It's not safe." Beca whined as she pulling her blanket up higher.

"Do you have red velvet cupcakes in there?" Stacie asked as she followed Jesse like a lost puppy.

"I might." Jesse told her walking over to the coffee table to open the box. He took the lid off the box and the girls gathered around as if they had never seen a cupcake before. "Let's take a look and see what we have in here."

Uni sat up and said, "I want a chocolate one… now!"

Jesse walked over to the couch, kissed Beca gently and handed her a brown paper bag that contained a thermos with homemade chicken noodle soup, Hershey kisses, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups and a brand new bottle of Advil.

"Thank you babe." Beca said as pulled up her feet to make room for Jesse to sit down. As he did, she put her feet in his lap.

"I get what's going on here." Jesse announced.

"Oh? Care to enlighten us Mr. Smarty Pants." Amy said.

"Y'all are all on the same cycle." Jesse said. "Your uterine walls will be shedding for the next three to five days."

Amy gave him the stank eye and said, "Nice nerd boy. Did you Google that?"

"No. I used WebMD." Jesse said proudly as he rubbed Beca's feet and legs.

"There's a crime scene in my pants." Lily whispered as she laid down on her back and shoved a red velvet cupcake into her mouth.

Jesse pulled a flash drive with a post it stuck to it from out of his pocket and said, "I also made you this to help soothe your womb." as he handed it to Beca.

"Is that a mix?" Stacie asked as she took another bite of her cupcake and read the names of the songs he listed on the post it note.

_-Evenflow by Pearl Jam-_

_-Bleeding Out by Imagine Dragons-_

_-Red, Red, Wine by UB40-_

_-Sunday, Bloody Sunday by U2-_

_-Red Tide by Rush-_

_-Red by Taylor Swift-_

_-I Saw Red by Warrant-_

_-Crimson Day by Avenged Sevenfold-_

_-Lady In Red by Chris de Burgh-_

_-Cherry Red by Ida Maria-_

_-Bleeding Love by Leona Lewis-_

"Jess… did you seriously make me a period mix?"

Jesse shrugged as Uni said, "Dude, that's so romantic."

"I've Got The World On A String by Frank Sinatra." Amy said laughing.

"What?! It's a classic." Jesse told them.

"This must have taken forever." Beca said.

"If it makes you feel better, then it was time well spent."

"Can it love birds!" Amy said as she began eating a can of chocolate fudge icing.

"Come on Jess." Beca said standing up. "Let's go in my room."

Amy smiled, "Beca, why are you taking Jesse in your room?"

"What's it to you?"

"Well, you can't have sex…"

"Just because I can't have sex doesn't mean he has to suffer too." Beca said with a wink and a grin before walking across the apartment to her bedroom. Jesse had a big stupid grin on his face as he followed her out of the room.

Beca plugged the flash drive Jesse gave her into her laptop and played the "Period Mix". She was pleasantly surprised that it wasn't half bad. Maybe he had learned a few things from her. The songs weren't necessarily songs she would have chosen but then again she wouldn't have made a period mix to begin with.

She laid in bed with Jesse while he sang "Bleeding Love", very loudly and very badly, along with the mix as it flowed out of her Bose speakers. He was annoying the shit out of her for two reasons, first, he was breathing and second, he was trying to feed her homemade chicken noodle soup like she was a baby.

"Get that soup away from me." she told him as she pushed the spoon away, careful not to spill on her clean sheets.

"Come on babe, you have to eat. It's soup… it's good for your uterus." Jesse chuckled. "Please take a bite. If you don't I'm just going to have to keep singing badly."

Beca took the bite off the spoon as she took the bowl from him and she too started belting out the song with Leona Lewis. It wasn't long before Jesse was singing and dancing his way around Beca's room acting like the goofy fool that he was.

"Jesse… please!" Beca begged. "Please stop. If you don't I won't be held responsible for what will happen to you."

"Is it really that bad?"

"Yes! This is why you're not allowed around me for four days out of the month. The only reason I'm letting you stay is because you brought soup and chocolate."

Jesse laughed as he snuggled in behind her. "If you promise not to hurt me in my sleep, I promise to get cinnamon rolls for you in the morning." he said kissing the back of her head.

"Ok, you can stay… just please don't touch my stomach."

"I won't. I promise."

That night they spooned and fell asleep to the special period mix Jesse worked so hard on. He proved to be very sweet and loving even offering to run a hot bath for Beca and/or rub her hips and back. All the while she was a mean and sometimes slightly psychotic bitch but from then on Jesse was no longer banned from Beca's apartment when Aunt Flo was in town. That was also the day Beca knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that she would marry Jesse because any guy that could put up with her bitchiness during shark week was a definite keeper.

* * *

**~ The Quad ~**

**Fall Semester**

**Junior Year**

While sitting in the quad one afternoon, Amy and Beca studied for their Music Theory final. The weather was actually still pleasant and cool for late April. After studying the girls closed their books and laid back to enjoy the crisp spring breeze and watch the crazy squirrels as they scampered about.

Beca laid with her head on her backpack, her aviators on, ear buds in and her music cranked up to drown our Amy's incessant need to fill the quiet. As she enjoyed the sun beating down on her pale face something created a shadow effectively blocking 'her' sun.

"Damn it Amy!" she fussed without opening her eyes. "You complain that I'm too fucking pale but then you block the fucking sun. MOVE!"

Amy laughed. "It's not me this time love bug."

Jesse had been standing over her, admiring her as the sun beamed down on her face. He lowered himself so he could straddle her then gently kissed her rosy lips.

Beca sighed, "Mmm… hey babe."

"Hey baby. Enjoying some sun I see."

"Yeah." She said patting the patch of Earth next to her. "Join me."

"With pleasure my love." He said as he laid down and rested his head on her abdomen, taking one of her ear buds to put in his own ear.

The three lay quietly for several minutes. Donald ran over and kicked Jesse's feet. "Dude, I need to borrow your car."

"No can do. Beca and I have plans later."

"SHIT!" Donald said running his fingers through his hair. "Beca let me borrow your car."

"Can't. My dad took it to be detailed and have the oil changed."

"You're a spoiled rotten princess you know that?!" Donald told Beca.

"Yep and I love every minute of it." She grinned as she ran her fingers through Jesse thick locks.

"Dude… what's wrong?" Jesse asked.

"I forgot that I'm supposed to meet Stacie for a little afternoon delight."

"And you thought you'd do the deed in my car?!" Jesse asked exasperated at the gall of his friend.

"NO! I'm out of condoms."

"Dude, go to the fucking campus bookstore." Beca told him.

"They'll rape me for three fucking condoms when I can get a pack of ten at Walgreen's for less."

"Will you really need all ten this afternoon?" Beca asked before realizing what she'd said. "NO! Don't answer that!"

Donald and Jesse laughed because they all knew that Stacie would have sex all day everyday if she could. Donald would definitely need all ten of those condoms that he wanted to buy.

"I'll take you." Amy told Donald. "But it's gonna cost you, my friend."

"Cost me what?"

Amy smiled. "Gas, grass or ass!"

"You got it… let's go!"

"See ya Bec!" Amy said jumping up to follow Donald.

"So… what method of payment do you think Donald will use to repay Amy?" Beca asked laughing.

"Let's hope he gives her cash so she can fill her tank because the other methods are…" Jesse shuddered before finishing his sentence. "gross!"

**~ Later that evening ~**

Later that evening, Beca and Jesse arrive back at the girl's apartment and were greeted by the sweet smells of Amy's baking. By the smell of it she had been at it for a while.

"Hey Amy, we're back!" Beca called out to her as she placed her keys in the bowl next to the front door.

"In the kitchen." Amy responded.

Beca and Jesse's eyes lit up as they walked in the kitchen to see all the sugary confections Amy had been baking that evening. The counter was littered with homemade fudge, cookies, brownies and bite size cakes.

"Wow!" Beca invited herself to a piece of peanut butter fudge. "Oh my God, this is orgasmic!" she said as she closed her eyes and savored the sweet delight.

Jesse shoved an entire chocolate chip cookie in his mouth and had a similar reaction to Beca's.

Amy was a wiz in the kitchen. Her culinary skills were top notch. The three sat on the kitchen bar stools with the gallon of milk being passed between them for another couple of hours. The sweet confections were being consumed at a world record pace. Their snacks had grown to include bowls of chips and popcorn as well as a couple of jars of mixed nuts and dill pickle spears and three two liter bottles of soda.

They were thoroughly enjoying the evening and each other's company as they sat around telling jokes and alternating between playing poker and Jenga.

"Wanna hear something funny?" Amy asked them through giggles.

Beca, the badass, was unusually giggly herself which Jesse found refreshing. He loved his girlfriend of two years but she could be a bit of a wet blanket at times.

"Sure! What's up Ames?" Jesse asked as he shoved a handful of peanuts in his mouth.

"We're all flying higher than a kite right now." Amy announced.

At Amy's announcement, Jesse began choking and Beca let out an audible gasp. "What?!" Beca screeched. "You drugged us?!"

"Well, not exactly, I didn't force you to eat any of those things."

"But you knew we wouldn't eat it if we had known." Jesse said adamantly.

"What did you put in it?" Beca asked.

"Pot."

"Pot?!" Beca screamed. "Where the fuck did you get pot?!"

"Donald."

"Donald gave you pot?! This is just fan-fucking-tastic!" Beca said her every word dripping with copious amounts of sarcasm.

Jesse cleared his throat. "So when you said 'gas, grass or ass' you were serious?!"

"Yes, I was serious and since I knew ass was out there were only two options left. If you wanna ride in the Amy-wagon you're gonna pay up."

Beca rubbed her forehead. "I get that Amy but if my dad finds out about this I'm as good as dead. He will kill me with his bare hands!"

Jesse rubbed Beca's shoulders. "It'll be ok babe. We'll figure it out."

"What's to figure out Jess?! If Luke should hand us piss cups for one of those random drug tests they do at the station we're fucked. We'll lose our jobs!" Beca said grabbing another piece of fudge.

"Babe, what are you doing?"

"Well... I can't get un-high so I just as we'll enjoy the ride while I can."

Jesse smirked. "If I can't beat'em... join'em!"

"That's the spirit... We'll just call in sick tomorrow."

"Or we could christen the semen smeared desk." Jesse winked.

"Ooooh… that could be fun!" Beca said. "Let's do that!"

"Aww shit! I've created a couple of pot munchin' monsters!" Amy whispered to no one in particular. "Great Amy! Way to go!"

Amy watched as Beca and Jesse ate and giggled like this was an everyday occurrence. Beca was in rare form. "Hey Bec... You may want to take it easy on those brownies."

"And why's that?"

"If you get any higher we'll have to strap ankle weights to you so you don't float away!"

"You started this mess."

"Jesse… come on man, make her stop."

"Oh no! Have you ever tried taking food from her?!" He asked Amy. "She will gnaw your arm off!"

* * *

**~ HOOD NIGHT FLASHBACK ~**

**Freshman Year**

Amy raised her eyes to the ceiling as the memory of the Bella's Initiation Ceremony flooded into her mind.

"And I solemnly promise to never have sexual relations with a Treblemaker or may my vocal cords be ripped out by wolves." Aubrey's shrill voice still rang through her head to this very day and she smirked to herself because what Aubrey didn't know was that she had, in fact, been Trebleboned that night.

Twice.

"Does anyone have anything to confess?" 'I called Mary Elise a slut and look what I went and did… over and over.' Amy thought, 'Damn turdburger! Why did he have to taste so damn good?!'

Hood night had been the first of many nights that she and Bumper had spent together. For some strange reason Amy thought Bumper was cute and she knew he wasn't anything like the other guys she had dated. She caught Bumper's attention the minute she had mentioned crystal meth; a stupid comment that she came up with in her sick and slightly twisted mind. What she didn't know until much later was that Bumper had paid Uni to distract the Bella Warden aka Aubrey with his cycling skills, something Aubrey seemed reasonably impressed with, so that he and Amy could sneak out as soon as the singing had died down and find a spot to talk, but first Amy had to get her phone back.

Aubrey collected all of their phones prior to initiation. She said that phones would be collected at the beginning of each rehearsal and returned at the end. All of the girls were told to silence their phones and place them in the basket on top of the piano. Before leaving the rehearsal studio, Aubrey took the basket and carried it with her as they walked over to the Greek theater for hood night. The girls were told they could collect their phones at the end of the night.

Sneaking over to the unmonitored basket, Amy looked around before she grabbed her phone and pocketed it before the Nazi found out what she'd done then joined Bumper for their walk over to the lab.

"So, uh… crystal meth huh?"

"Yeah, what's it to you? You actually think I do that, ya dipstick?"

"Wanna show me your lab?" Bumper said, waggling his eyebrows.

"My lab is closed for the fall." Amy said.

"What? Why?"

"Ummmmm, it's been a while since I had a lab partner. So I thought I might as well shut that shit down til Halloween or until I find another chem student that I can corrupt. But, I could, you know, see us experimenting in my lab."

"Why do you need a lab partner?"

"I've been creating my own explosions in my lab, if you get my point but if you want to show me your test tube -"

"- Oh! Got it! Well, billions of neutrinos penetrate you every second… mind if I join in?" Bumper said, reaching out for her solo cup to fill it with it beer.

"Name's Amy, by the way."

"Travis." Bumper said, handing her the cup before taking a swig of his own. "Friends call me Bumper. Tell me, are you calcium bicarbonate, because if you let me get you wet, then the reaction will be explosive."

"Whoa there treblemaker, we might have great chemistry, but let's wait until we see if the biology and the physics match up, okay?"

"Do you like Science? Because tonight you're gonna sample my DNA."

"Bit forward...dontcha think? I was thinking more along the lines of you sampling my s'mores." Amy said, laughing at Bumper's confused face. "Come on treble, let's go and check out my lab."

"Why is it so cold in here?" Bumper asked, as they snuck in to Amy's chemistry lab.

"They're fixing the gas lines." Amy answered. "Don't worry though; the ones to the Bunsen burners are still okay which means we can still do the experiment!"

"Fantastic." Bumper muttered under his breath. "I'm hungry for s'mores."

"All right, keep your panties on." Amy said, firing up the Bunsen burners. "If you are cold, come over here."

Amy waved the Bunsen burners around, trying to warm the air as Bumper walked past the teacher's desk.

"I used to do this, back home in Tasmania. I did this to fight off the spiders and snakes in my house." Amy continued, demonstrating how she took on the unwelcome visitors in her house while wafting the equipment dangerously close to Bumper before catching his ridiculous bushy eyebrows with the flame. "Oh shit, sorry."

Bumper raised a hand to his face and felt the singed ends of his eyebrows.

"Careful! I don't want to end up in the ER." He laughed.

"It's okay dude, I know first aid."

"Yeah? Well, you'd best come and check me out."

"I can do that pretty well from over here."

"Just come here." Bumper said, reaching for Amy's hand and she allowed herself to be pulled towards him as he placed his hands on her hips, drawing her even closer to him.

"Travis, is that a banana in your pocket."

"Sort of. Want to peel it?" Bumper asked and Amy blushed slightly, which was so unusual for her.

"No, I sort of want you to put it back in the fruit bowl. If Professor Rankin sees his fruit has been tampered with, he gets upset." Amy said, pointing towards the Professor's desk at the front of the room.

Bumper reached down into his pants and pulled out the unripe banana, sheepishly holding in his hands for a moment before slipping it back into the bowl.

"You could have at least said it was a courgette or something."

"You like fruit, huh?" Amy asked, watching him as he looked around the laboratory.

"Guess so. If you were a fruit, you'd be a fineapple." Bumper mused.

"Ever played with fruit?" Amy asked, ignoring the painful attempt at a joke.

"Of course! I can juggle."

"Bet you couldn't juggle my cantaloupes."

"Well… that depends. Are they firm and ripe?"

"Test them, see what you think?"

"Oh, they look good." Bumper murmured, taking in the fullness of Amy's chest with a sudden vested interest. "So I have a feeling that we should kiss. And is that feeling a good feeling or an incorrect feeling?"

"Well, I sometimes have a feeling I could do things with fruit and vegetables that I shouldn't, but then I think, mmm better not." Amy laughed. "I always kinda think it's weird to put 'em back on the rack when I know where they've been."

"Well, that's adorable." Bumper said, pulling Amy closer. "And slightly gross."

"Yeah, never tell my friends that." Amy laughed.

"Why not?" Bumper asked.

"I think one of them, the snarky one, has a thing about not eating foods that I've used during playtime."

"Oh! Got it. Got it! Speaking of playtime, do you wanna play on the Professor's desk?"

"Are you going to delight me with a fruity toy?"

"Close your eyes and wait."

Amy hoisted herself up on the desk as Bumper inspected the well stocked fruit bowl on the desk in front of him. He busied himself for a few minutes while Amy watched in amusement. Laying everything back on the table, he slowly and deliberately turned to Amy and leaned over her, placing small and delicate kisses at the base of the column of her throat.

"It feels like the first time, it feels like the very first time … it feels like the first time." Amy hummed as Bumper ran his tongue all over her chest. His hands ran up, under her shirt and she flinched when she realized how cold they were. He raised her shirt up over her head, almost knocking her out with his enthusiasm.

Displaying a lack of clumsiness that betrayed his rather dumb look, he soon had Amy half naked before him and gently helped her to lay down on the desk. He then took the plums, sliced them in half with the small pocket knife he always carried and covered her nipples with them. He made a path of star fruit down her stomach to the tip of her pubic bone. Then he took one of the cantaloupe slices and smiled at her.

"Spread your legs baby."

She moved her legs apart and waited. Tingling with anticipation. Bumper slid the cool melon slice down her lips and worked it between them until the one tip was buried inside her and the other tip just touched her clit.

"Ohhhh ..." She gasped as the cool slice tingled between her lips. She waited for him to do more when he stood back to admire his work. Bumper put a few of the cherries in the middle of the star fruit and then set the rest aside. He took the fig and smeared the pulpy center over the top of her breasts, taking the last bit and caressing her lips with its juice. Then he reached for the banana. He dipped it in the honey pot he'd found near to the fruit and then traced patterns up her thighs. Just when she thought she couldn't hold still any longer, he stopped. He dipped it in honey again and drizzled it over her body and the fruit that adorned it. Last of all, he dipped it once again and slowly pushed it into her hot wet center, careful not to move the cantaloupe slice placed earlier.

Amy quivered. She felt so hot and weirdly quite horny. She was just about to speak when Bumper popped a couple of cherries into her mouth. They tasted tart and sweet. While she chewed, he began to move the banana in and out of her. It felt so good. Bumper placed a small bunch of grapes over his hardened junk and if Amy could have laughed at the sight, she would have. He walked around so that he was now standing by her head. He pulled her forward so that her head was hanging off the desk and guided her mouth to his junk, which he'd coated in fig juice, as a special treat.

It was salty, sweet and slightly tart with the grape juice running down his cock. Amy sucked and licked his shaft as Bumper reached down and fucked her with the banana. He moved the cantaloupe slice up and down as well, caressing her clit. Amy moaned and the vibrations ran up Bumper's junk.

"Oh my …" He moaned.

Amy shifted slightly to make more of him into her mouth.

"More!" He said as he pumped his junk towards her face. Amy obliged and started nibbling the grapes that were also hanging from him. He moaned again. His hand reached for her breasts, grabbing the plums over the nipples and squeezing them along with her breasts, the juice running down her sides.

Bumper smiled as Amy whimpered slightly and pulled the banana out of her and rubbed the hot juicy fruit across his lips. Bumper tasted Amy's juices along with the banana and the honey. He took a bite of the banana and smiled at her before pushing the banana back into Amy's hot center and got it all juicy again. Then, he caught her eye and as he smiled once more at her before he ate what was left of the banana.

Amy was starting to nibble the last of the grapes off of Bumper's junk and licked the juice off of him. Bumper leaned down and started to lap up the plum juices and bits of fig off of her breasts. He lowered his mouth in between her legs and started to lick the cantaloupe slice, moving it up and down against her clit and just tickling the entrance to her core.

Neither noticed that Amy's phone was knocked off the desk. In their rush to 'get it on', they didn't also didn't notice that they hit speed dial number one.

They were too busy and didn't hear the 'Hello' when the person on the other end answered.

"Oh ... don't stoppppp!" She moaned and Bumper increased his attentions and let his tongue loose on her. He licked honey and fruit off of her before moving back up to her breasts to treat them as kindly as he impatiently could.

**_"Hello …" Came the voice on the phone._** Still Amy and Bumper didn't hear or acknowledge it; they were too busy in their ministrations.

By the time Amy was arching her back off of the Professors desk, Bumper had moved back down in between Amy's legs and started to eat the cantaloupe along with licking her clit and sucking on her lips to taste the honey. He hungrily nibbled the star fruit, a cherry or two and then licked her breasts clean of the plum and fig. He kissed her full on the mouth, delivering tastes of herself mixed in with fruit.

_**"Hello…. Beca, honey are you there? Are you ok?"** The voice on the phone said._

"Yummmmm." She moaned as their breaths mixed in her mouth. "So much tastier than s'mores."

**_"BECA!" Dr. Mitchell was mortified as he thought for sure he was listening to his daughter lose her virginity. "REBECA!" When Beca didn't answer, Dr. Mitchell hung up the phone and proceeded to storm out of his office toward her dorm. Beca and whoever she was with had some serious explaining to do._**

Amy reached over and grabbed his cock and a few remaining grapes. She put the grapes in her mouth and then Bumper's junk. Amy rolled the grapes around in her mouth against his shaft and let them break and juice all over him. It was Bumper's turn to moan.

"A-A-Amy..." He finally gasped out. His hips thrust harder against her lips as she took a handful of cherries and crushed them against his ass cheeks as she gripped them to steady herself to his thrusts.

"I think it's time for some cream to go with me fruit." She mused as Bumper pulled out of her mouth.

Bumper moved between her legs and wrapping a hand around his erection slowly began to push into her core, filling her as best he could. Amy moaned at the feeling of complete fullness and arched her hips upwards to meet his thrusts.

"You must work at Subway on the weekend, right?"

"No, why?" Bumper mumbled as he tried to concentrate on what he was doing.

"Because you are giving me a foot long."

Bumper chuckled and the two of them moved together, their thrusts becoming more urgent. Cherry juice and bits of cherry ran down Bumper's butt. Grape juice ran down the front of his thighs.

Amy's eyes widened as Bumper pounded into her, spilling the contents from the desk in his urgency to bring her to orgasm. He could feel his only release beckoning, feeling that he could hold back no more. Amy felt his hot juices fill up her insides as Bumper roared his orgasm into being.

"Ahhhhhhhhhh!" He groaned and half collapsed on top of her and the table.

"You ain't got time to rest yet treble." Amy growled. "Finish me off or so help me God, I'll finish you like a cheesecake."

This galvanized Bumper into urgent thrusts. He reached down and played with Amy's clit and teased her to orgasm as he too began to pound harder and harder, chasing an orgasm for her before he, and Little Bumper, ran out of steam. Amy let loose of everything, including the pear and apple she had gripped in her hand, which she couldn't remember even picking up as an intensive orgasm overtook her. Bumper held her sticky body to him as she came in a roar.

"Tooooo bluuuuuueeeeee!" Echoed across the laboratory and out into the corridor as Bumper thrust once more and then slowly stopped moving. His hands still played with her clit as she came a second time, an orgasmic wave after wave until her body froze in a massive contortion of pleasure and then collapsed back onto the desk, sending the Professor's laptop crashing to the floor.

As Dr. Mitchell left his office and locked the door, he noted the fruity smell in the hallway. "Hmm… the cleaning crew must be using more Earth friendly cleaning products. Smells quite pleasant." He thought to himself as he heard the sound of breaking glass in the lab next door. While speaking to Beca was extremely high on his list of priorities, he couldn't ignore what he'd heard, so he turned in the opposite direction to investigate the crash he just heard.

Knocking on the door to the lab, he could hear some fumbling around. "Hello! Is anyone in there? Are you ok? I heard glass breaking."

They both lay together, breathing heavily, staring into each others eyes; establishing a connection that felt special and real. Everything smelled of fruit juices and body juices but they really didn't want to look at the mess they'd made.

"Oh shit! That sounds like Dr. Mitchell!" Bumper hissed?. "You did lock the door… right?"

"Yeah, of course I did. Who's Dr. Mitchell?"

"Beca's dad!"

"Oh crap! Beca can't find out about this. She could go to Aubrey and I'll be uninvited from the Bellas."

"Shhh … if we don't say anything perhaps he'll just go away."

After a few minutes of cuddling, Amy looked down at the mess they'd created and turned to Bumper. "Wow ... now, that's what I call a fruit salad!"

Amy happily regaled the tale of Hood Night to Beca a few months later. Beca remarked that she remembered that night clearly as her father had stormed into her dorm room demanding to know what she was up to, when all she was doing was sitting around trying to avoid the stink eye from Kimmy Jin after she'd forgotten to plug in her headphones properly. The only way to get her dad to believe her was to eventually have him call her phone and when Amy answered, slightly breathless and sleepy, Beca put two and two together. The two became fast friends after that but the story of Amy's Hood Night Initiation was the reason Beca never ate grapes again.

Or bananas.

* * *

**~ Cafe' Brass Monkey ~**

**Present**

"Earth to Beca!" Amy said waving her hands furiously in front of Beca's face.

Beca shook her head. "Huh? What'd I miss?"

"Where'd you go?" Amy asked her.

"Sorry… I was day dreaming."

Stacie shook her head. "Told y'all she zoned out."

"Well? Are you gonna answer the question?"

"What was the question?" Beca asked confused.

"Will you be my maid of honor?"

Beca smiled. "Are you sure? Cuz I wouldn't blame you if you changed your mind and wanted to ask Stacie."

"Yes, short stack... I'm sure. I want my sarcastic sidekick next to me when I sign my life away to the big guy. Come on… whadda say?!"

"I'd be honored." Beca said hugging her friend.

The guys were finishing up their beers and high fiving each other. Bumper and Amy was on cloud nine and extremely anxious to get home and celebrate. After saying their goodbyes they left the bar to head home. They didn't make it past the parking lot. As soon as they got in Bumper's 4-Runner the party was on... but not for long.

A cop knocked on the window and asked them both for ID's. After running their names to make sure they didn't have any warrants out for their arrest, the officer congratulated them on their engagement and kindly asked that they take their activities to the privacy of their home.

Once they were home the gloves and clothes were off. Clothes were shed as they made their way to the master bathroom. While Amy ran their bath, Bumper decided to go to the kitchen for wine and snacks. When he got back to the bathroom, Amy was already in the tub. He could smell the lavender bath oil Amy put in the large garden tub.

Setting the snacks on the tray next to the tub, Bumper slid in behind Amy. In his hurry to get things started he didn't notice that he knocked over the brand new bottle of bath oil.

Bumper nuzzled Amy's neck as he massaged the oily bath water into her shoulders and arms. Reaching around further her massaged her breasts. One hand traveled further down to rub her clit. Amy was enjoying her massage, between the warm water and the heat between her legs, she was she that she would burst into flames at any minute. But it wasn't enough, she wanted more, so much more.

Bumper's hands were magical, they could do things to her she never thought imaginable. When Amy tried to turn around in the tub so that she was facing Bumper she slipped and which sent water all over the bathroom and caused both of them break out in extreme fits of laughter.

When she was finally able to turn around and straddle him, she lost her balance and hit her forehead on the spigot which produced more laughter then pain...lots of pain. When they stopped laughing Bumper could see that she had a good sized gash above her eyebrow and she had started to bleed.

"We need to get out of the tub and get you to the emergency room." Bumper said as he tried wiping the blood from her brow.

"No, I'll be fine. It's just a little cut."

"Umm… I don't think so Amy. Look at the water."

Amy grabbed her forehead and looked down to see that the bath water was completely red. "Oh shit. Alright, let's get out and to go the ER." she conceded.

When they tried again to get out of the tub they looked like a couple of bowling balls. The tub was extremely slippery. "How much bath oil did you put in the tub?" Bumper asked Amy.

"Not much." she said looking around for the bottle. She found the empty bottle floating in the tub and said, "We'll never get out of here on our own."

* * *

Beca and Jesse were dancing when Beca's phone rang. "it's Amy." she told Jesse. "Hey Ames! Miss me already?!" she said laughing.

"Ummm… not exactly." Amy confessed.

"What's up?" Beca asked. "Are you locked out? Do you need me to bring you my key?"

"Well… I do need your key but I'm not locked out."

"Ok, I'm officially confused." Beca said.

"Are you still with Stacie and Sean?"

"Yeah. They're right here." Beca told her. "Amy, what's wrong?"

"Bumper and I are in a jam." Amy confessed.

"What kind of ja-?" Beca asked. "No, don't answer that. We're on the way."

Stacie and Sean followed Beca and Jesse to Amy's apartment. When they arrived they were unsure what they would be walking into since Beca didn't want the details over the phone.

"Amy! We're here!" Beca said as they walked in the front door.

"We're in the master bathroom." She called back.

While Sean and Stacie took off to help the wild lovers, Beca and Jesse decided to sit on the couch. They had seen enough of Amy and Bumper's nekkid asses to last a lifetime.

"Dude…" Sean said. "Come on. If I have to go in there and get them out of whatever pickle they got themselves into, you're going to help."

"I'm gonna pass." Jesse told him. "I'll just wait out here with Beca."

"Oh no! I can't lift their lard asses up by myself. Let's go!"

Beca laughed. She was completely off the hook but Jesse wasn't quite as lucky.

"You are gonna owe me BIG time." Jesse whispered in her ear.

A few minutes later, Beca heard Stacie laughing hysterically, then Sean yelled, "No mother fucking way! Not again!"


End file.
